CHANGE

I am taking a stand this year. I am not going to be the one that stands still watching everyone else go on with their lives and be active in the community. I need to start taking the feedback that I am given to heart.  I stay covered up in my bed, hidden under plush layers of old blankets that bring me the comfort I seek.  BUT I NEVER CHANGED ANYTHING. I have all this potential and yet I remain in the same exact place, albeit aged and wondering why my relfection doesn’t show happiness. For each new wrinkle, I have no new talents. No new friends. I hold myself back.

How many years did I say- “this year I will lose the weight.?”  I was saying that when I was already THIN. So now that I actually have 17lbs to lose….will I ever lose them? YES! I FUCKING WILL. I was so unhealthy then and didn’t even know it. Starve. Binge. DIET. WORKOUT. WORK HARDER. Progress, BINGE BINGE BINGE.  It’s a cycle, and only I can remain in it or break it.  I turn 38 this month. I need to reclaim that dirty 30 era. I made choices. I accomplished things.  I then threw them all away by not being aware or grateful enough for all those blessings.  I literally wasted all those years of having the perfect body, and a solid financial situation and now, I am paying for it.   I didn’t try hard enough. I was entitled, and absolutely became blinded by the things that were around me.  MV told me how I was too nice, and would be taken advantage of. I felt being in his presence like I just was lucky to be there, and didn’t think that it was the other way around. I sat there and read into things that were said, thinking that maybe he didn’t or maybe I shouldn’t.  But I am so beyond glad that I did. Because I learned so much about myself through him. That I would never be happy enough, even if I got everything I seemingly wanted.

This entry is all over the place. Right now, my thoughts are just racing. And I am overwhelmed with how ready I am to take charge of my life. What little there is left of it.
THIS IS MY TIME.  I Don’t want to fail or mess this up.  I have a marriage, that while it may be toxic, I CHOSE THIS. I CHOSE HIM. And I could be better and so could he. HE NEEDS ME TO SHOW UP FOR HIM. And if he still doesn’t show up for me when i am the best me…then we make that change.