12/04/2010

 This is probably the third time I have sat here today and started to write an entry. I’m not even sure I will continue with/or finish this one.  For some reason, my fingers transfer the words to the screen and suddenly I am staring into the reality that I don’t even want to do this anymore.   Putting down in black in white how I am feeling sometimes just reminds me why I am upset in the first place.  

I am tired of people telling me "it’s not so bad. You could be in (situation X)"   Someone somewhere always has it worse. Sure sure. But when something is wrong with you, and you are feeling low, has that EVER really made you feel better? Actually I think it makes me feel worse to hear that, because then I feel like some vain or shallow person for giving in to my own emotions. I am only human, and thus FUCK everyone who thinks that I am not deserving of feeling the way that I do.  The next time you are sad because you got left by the person you love, or you are having money problems, or your pet dies, or you are lonely…and you have told me to "stop complaining because it could be worse" or "you could be someone else with THIS problem" then don’t come to me looking for consolation.

I have been reading a lot of interesting diaries lately. People who have a lot of very controversial lifestyles, and they are still very proud of who they are as people. I like to see that.  I like when people are not afraid to just be who they are. 

Things are rocky between me and Joe right now. Mostly because he tends to fall asleep and not want to or be able to help out with the baby very much. I know that he is working 8 hour days right now, and I totally am grateful that he supports us (the best he can that is) while I am not working, but I need help with this too. I don’t get much sleep, and I take care of Baby B and I clean the house and pick up after him. He always leaves his shit around for me to pick up. socks, xbox games and controllers, receipts, baby clothes, his t shirts, hats etc. I find random baby bottles all over the apartment from the few times he actually DOES feed Baby B. 

Tonight he fell asleep at 9pm on the floor. No big, I had things under control. Well then I tried to wake him up at 1:40am to feed Baby B cuz I’m tired and have done it like 5 times already just since he has been home. He didn’t want to do it for whatever reason.  So then he just says no. and rolls back over.  I finally threw a bottle of mini baby lotion at him to wake him (from across the room while I was changing Baby B) to tell him to go to the bedroom and go to sleep. He then was like, I was just taking a nap! I was like yeah for 5 hours!  He was shocked at what time it is but then proceeded to do nothing.   I don’t need to be in a relationship where I feel like a single mom anyways. I would be better off anywhere else. Like ALONE..I’m just being mad, I’m not going to leave him.  But I could, ya know, if I wanted 😉