Crazy. Nuts.

Wow, sometimes I actually frighten myself, with umm…myself. I’m bipolar, and I know this. Most of the time I have it under control, I take a considerable amount of medication in order to keep myself balanced. But if my medicine is off, or if it’s an extremely akward time in my life things can get a little off kilter. Today happened to be one of those days, I guess I just had the wrong mixture of all the right things to fuck me up.

Charlie and I got into a little disagreement, which is normal for us. I’ve been stressed at work, they’ve had me working 6 day weeks, and I’m a little tired. Well in order to keep myself getting to work and still being able to spend time with Charlie I skip just a lil of my down medicine. NOT THE BRIGHTEST THING, der der der. Well I slipped up, I guess I had a lil maniac episode and I kind of scared myself. I ended up hurting Charlie a little…and I got injured in the process. I’m probably making this sound a little more dramatic than it is. Well the outcome atleast… But what scared me was how easily I gave into it. I normally know when things aren’t right, and this time I snapped out of it a later than I should have. 

I’m not sure what I’m going to do, there are a couple more circumstances that are weighing heavy on my chest, things that may not be going away. I’m really scared that there might be a few more of these maniac episodes in my future, and I’m terrified of it. I’ve had this under control for so long, and tonight made me think of how things were before I did. I was suicidal 50% of the time, and I couldn’t focus on ANYTHING. I’m scared that if things slip back into the way they were I might end back up in Cumberland Hall or I might even lose Charlie. I know he won’t put up with me for long if I’m acting all nuts. I just pray, and hope it’s just because I’m under a little too much stress. I’m really hoping that I’m blowing all of this out of poportion…but what if I’m not…

I think I need to see a therapist again….

-Kayla