When Hidden Secrets Become Not So Hidden

A little something I wrote a couple months ago that I thought I’d share here.

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I have PTSD.

It’s funny. If asked the question last week, I would have said I _had_ PTSD. Is it something you can recover fully from? I suppose so but the body memories, I believe, will always remain at some capacity. I was taken completely by surprise this past weekend when I had a pretty severe attack take over me. It was jarring. I haven’t had an attack like that in well over a decade. Something that severe? Maybe even longer. Attacks can be very overwhelming but then to have one in public? It adds feelings of foolishness and embarrassment.

An attack is something not to be wished onto anyone. It feels like an out of body experience because your body’s reactions take you back to another moment. It is being completely overwhelmed with emotions, your chest wants to collapse, your breath stops, and the shakes begin. The worst is having very overwhelming feelings/thoughts take over. I am transported to a thought pattern that is no longer my own. I am thrust directly back into a 20 year old self that no longer defines me. Over 24 hours later and I am still working hard to bring my heart rate back down.

I believe it can be hard to understand if you have never experienced it. The severity of it all. I recall a friend who never had an anxiety attack before end up in the emergency room thinking she was having a heart attack. It wasn’t until then did she quite understand what it meant and was dumbfounded to realize someone, like myself, ever felt like that regularly. Empathy.

Vulnerability is not easy for me. I am self reliant and take care of my own matters. I prefer to not reach out. Or is it fear? To open up to a network of friends is a practice I have difficulty with but am finally trying to embrace. Does that go back to trust? I am unsure. I do know I don’t like to show that side of me and it makes me uncomfortable.

Everyone has a story and a history. It makes us into the people we’ve become. When we only rely on short glimpses of a person, it can be easy to jump to the wrong conclusions. I think one of the best things we can remember is that we are all human. We all need community, companionship, and want to be accepted.

And in all this, I think fault versus responsibility is an amazing concept to consider. I could let my past experiences define me negatively. I could lay down and become the victim. I can sit and blame a situation….others. Instead, I learned from them and embraced the person it changed me into. To be a person I am proud to be. But the lesson learned today, it is okay to have moments of weakness. To let a part of ourselves show that maybe we are not so proud of. The point is not to stay there. Embrace yourself and let all the parts in because in staying fractured, we can never become whole.

And it is okay to let people in.