Anxiety, detox, etc.

I’ve been walking around today with a ton of anxiety.  Heart thumping in my throat, stomach in knots, mind racing.  Lovely.  I wish I could figure out where it is coming from.  I hate when I get this way.  Oh……I think it just hit me.  What is the date again?  (goes off to reference something) Yup.  I bet that is what it is.  It’s that time for my annual fix of extreme anxiety that I can never put my finger on.  I’m surprised.  I was a lot quicker to realize it this year than most years.  Usually hubby reminds me.  13 years.  A lifetime and a half ago now.  Or so it seems.  Oh, right.  I’m being cryptic.  I’m hitting the annual anniversary of when I attempted to take my own life.  I wonder if my body and brain will continue to celebrate this way for years to come.    

It falls on a good week for self reflection this year.  Of course, I’m trying to make this year all about that.  I actually went to page through the only item that I have to remind me of that time – a small journal with just a little bit of writing in it.  That always brings up quite a mixture of emotions.  Maybe now that I acknowledge what the anxiety is about, it won’t stick with me for a week plus like it has in the past.  

Moving on…..

I actually came to write about how weight loss and such is going.  The loss part os going pretty okay.  Six weeks in and I have lost 14.5 pounds.  I’m feeling good and I am feeling it more in my body too.  I have a feeling things have shifted more drastically than what the scale says.  People have taken notice which is nice but like my son, a good part of me can’t handle the attention.  Like John says "Don’t look at me!"  🙂  

Running –  I’m not won over on it.  The good things?  I like the sense of accomplishment I feel from what I’ve been able to do.  I never thought I would have the stamina to run the distance I’ve managed going right into it.  I can easily run 2.5 miles without much complaint.  I could probably make it 3, especially if I had a flatter route to run since I have some hills in my neighborhood that makes a difference in how much work I need to put into it.  I want to try it out on the bike trail by my house although I won’t know the exact distance.  I didn’t have much chance to run last week due to weather and my period showing up so hopefully it will warm up so I can try out some more this week.  Again, I doubt I’ll do it long term.  It’s just not my thing.  I’m still itching to walk that lake though.  That would be fun.

The weight loss currently brings me to an interesting hurdle at the moment.  My weight is now lower than what I ever was able to get to when I initially lost a ton of weight tenish years ago.  I’m embarking on territory I have not been in during my adult life.  I’m pretty sure I haven’t been at this weight since high school.  Because of that, I think I’ll be journeying down a path that will have many obstacles and stops along the way.  Thus, I’ll be starting on what I think will be a pretty intensive time of self-reflection.  I’m trying to remain afloat and not sabotage my work which can be so easily done.  I’ve started this book that discusses how weight  can be a reflection of our emotional and psychological trauma that we are holding onto.  A person experiences these negative things and doesn’t properly process them thus they get stuffed into our psyche.  In turn, it effects our physical self as well.  Weight is a reflection of the burden of traumas we hold on to.  In essence, the weight is like a physical wall to baracade oneself from the outside wall.  Like trying to keep others out.  I certainly can see truth in that for me.  It helps bring things into a new perspective since I truly believe this is a way that can effect our health.  Like, I believe stress and what we hold in can certainly play a role in acquiring things like cancer.  

I knew going into my resolution this year that I needed to do some serious skeletons in the closet cleaning to break free from negative cycles in my life.  I’ve found that my desire to do so has especially gotten strong within the past couple of weeks.  I’ve made some good strides with certain things but it’s almost like I am ready and maybe my body is too to start picking up and tossing out the garbage one by one.  And I do find it interesting that it really has taken on such a strong urge once I hit the lowest weight I managed to get to ten years ago.  I’m going to start loosing weight I put on during a pretty traumatic time in my life.  It’s good though.  I’m tired of the baggage.  

And another interesting thing is I think I’m going through another physical detox too.  It’s my best explanation at this point, especially since it seemed to crop up just as I hit that  place in my weight too.  I woke up one morning and I was pretty sweaty, especially on my chest.  That is not usual for me.  And to make it worse, it was really itchy too.  After an hour or two from waking, it would go away but it would come back during the night again.  It kind of reminded me of the hives I went through at the end of January but I didn’t have raised welts.  Well, I don’t count the extreme redness I’d have after I’d scratch the living daylights out of it.  A couple days into it, I get a spot on my collar.  I’m pretty sure it was ringworm (from my vast knowledge I acquired about it when John got it from overly wet diapers).  I put on anti-fungal cream which definitely helped my spot but I was still having these flare ups as night all over my chest where it would itch like crazy.  Some nights my shins and back of knees would chime in too.  It was crazy!  Two weeks later and I seem to be back to normal.  I found it interesting how it was so prevalent at night.  I would wake up in the middle of the night itching like mad.  It is the time our bodies do the most detox so I’m guessing I was ridding myself of something.  I know it can also be a sign of candida too.  I’m actually attempting my no sugar part of the diet finally.  I’m sticking with mainly veggies with meat.  I did have a banana today though.  So, it will be interesting to see what kind of week I have in store.  In honor of Holy Week, I want to take as much time for self reflection and the thoughts of rebirth as I can.