Still trying to put my heart back together

Hrmm.. still dealing with the break up.. sure, its been hard.. but Im kinda concerned b/c i havent cried in a few days, and I dont know if Im inadvertantly holding it in. I know from past experience that holding it in isnt healthy.. So Im not sure what I should do.. I think Im scared to go and confront my feelings, because I dont like the pain.. I know, the sooner i let it out, the sooner i will be better. But still, its a suck ass process.I guess this is a situation where i dont want advice, i just want to be listened to.

I really miss him.. such a clever, smart, funny, adorable, sweet, loving guy.. i cant help but think how worthless i must be to push someone like him away,even though he insists that it -wasnt- my fault, and i was perfect for him.. he just wasnt ready, and plus, the circumstances of our relationship kinda suck. I guess the good thing is that I can still talk to him, and we can still joke and everything.. but whenever we hug, or he touches my back, or my hand, I cant help but want things the way they used to be.. I want to be the one he calls his girlfriend, the one who gets all of the affection, and the one who he looks at with those hypnotizing blue eyes, full of love.. but i guess something thats comforting to me is that when he looks at me, there is still love in his eyes.. except now, its a different kind of love..he loves me as a friend, and as someone who is very special to him, who experienced so many new emotions with.. He tells me, he will always love me in some way…

So I guess i know that the part of our relationship where we were girlfriend and boyfriend is over.. and i will probably look back later and know it was for the best.. but that doesnt really help the pain right now. I mean, he is such an amazingly beautiful human being, and I guess I would rather have him as a friend than as nothing at all.. Hes a very special person to me, and I dont want to lose that because of my selfishness in anything, or me holding a grudge.. So, what can I do? I do the only thing thats possible.. I just take another breath..