Scared.

A third diary entry for today. Yay.

So.. even though my mom doesnt say its possible, I do believe that I love Dan.

I know what love is. I had my first serious relationship at 12. I know what love feels like. I know the effort and emotional work that go into loving somebody, and I also know the consequences from giving too much. I know what its like to lose someone. Basically, I know what love is. Ive been lucky to experience it before, and have the feeling returned. I know that in this world, with everything that goes on, finding someone to love is truly a miracle. I know what love feels like: I know that I love Dan.

So what am I scared? Im scared because Im scared of relationships. I know all too well what its like to be hurt, and it makes me inadvertantly sabotage my relationships, in order to protect myself. It even makes my emotions not get too deep, so that I can leave a guy easily without all the pain. I dont want that to happen again. I want to be able to be with him, and be happy with the fact that Im with him. I want to be comftorable with him and trust him completely, and not pull away every time something bad happens, or just in my own fear that I might get hurt. I know Im strong enough to take anything, im just scared of myself.

I dont want to be fickle when it comes to him, like I have with other guys. I want to be with him, and I want to be strong and tough all of it out. I think hes worth it.

So now this is my predicament.. to get over my past and to love him for all that he is, now, and to not hold myself back because of my fear. I should be able to be with him, and to be happy for that.

::sigh:: That’s all that’s on my mind right now..