Purpose
Today is not exactly a happy day. Nothing has really happened, I’m just not happy and it’s hard to articulate what I’m feeling (and hard when others can’t magically say the things I want to hear).
Anyway, I guess I’m struggling with my purpose. Funny thing though, because I don’t necessarily believe I have a purpose. I have been really hard on myself today about whether what I’m doing is actually worthwhile, and if being out in CA is actually the right thing for me to be doing. Plus I’m kindof disappointed that this experience hasn’t made me the confident, motivated person I’ve wanted to be. There might be some little changes and growth but I can’t exactly see them right now. I just want someone I can share with, and who will support me regardless of whatever I’m doing right now. This job hasn’t challenged me enough; the only real challenge has been moving out to San Jose and being around all these new people. I don’t know what I really want to hear. I guess I just want to know that there’s always a place for me in my old life, and that I shouldn’t have to not be that person anymore. I also want to know that I won’t be disappointing anyone if I don’t end up doing great things. I guess I do really worry about disappointing people, especially my mom, and I feel like it’s wrong of me to have a lack of direction and focus.
I know my situation isn’t that rough at all, but I’m just tired. I don’t know what I’m tired of exactly, but I feel worn out. Sorry if this isn’t making sense. I tried articulating this to Paul earlier and he didn’t get it, so I just got frustrated at my lack of words. Things have always seemed to easy for him and I kindof resent that. I shouldn’t feel that way, because he has had his struggles… but I do. I know I should feel grateful for what I’ve done with my life and the opportunities I’ve had, and I am grateful. I don’t want that to be a point of confusion.
I hate sounding like this, but it’s just the way I’m feeling. I don’t know why I put so much pressure on myself, it really just causes more harm than good. Chai didn’t help, and I hate the weird kind of headache I get from staring at the computer screen too long.
Okay, that’s all I can really say for now. Thanks for reading!
I think we all can struggle with this from time to time. If it is any help I think you are amazing, you moved, have done awesome things, I mean you get paid to plant trees, who does that? I really dont think you would be a disappointment to anyone if you came home, or went somewhere else. And I see you as confident.
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gah, but you HAVE done great things, Debbie! I really don’t think you could disappoint anyone… we’re all too proud of you for the things you’ve accomplished 🙂 ::hugs::
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Sigh. That’s a tough one. I’ve come to believe that even if there is no purpose given to us in life, it’s up to us to make one for ourselves. I suppose you could ask yourself if being in CA is the right thing for *you* — e.g. the concern that you aren’t being challenged other than being forced to meett new people and live in a new area. I know it’s hard, but try not to worry too much about disappointing others. Our society has definitions of “success” but they don’t necessarily have to be your own. The question is, do YOU feel like you are living up to your own standards (provided of course you aren’t putting more pressure on yourself than is necessary). *gentle hugs* We’re here for you no matter what, hon. I hope writing this out and getting it out of your system helped at least a little bit.
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The greatest thing you could be doing is being yourself and doing something you love. Your “purpose” is to love life. That would be MY definition of you doing “great things”. If washing cars was what you loved and you were happy, I would support you 100% and be damn proud of you! I love you sweetie. And you’ll ALWAYS have a place here in your old town with people who love you just the way you are.
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Yeah, I remember you dicussing with me about this on aim. Sometimes I think you underestimate yourself and your accomplishments so far considering your age. But I do see how the program hasn’t challenged you in certain aspects that you feel like you haven’t grown much. I’ve admired you and your accomplishments. I have to agree with your mom that maybe figuring what makes you happy might
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give you more of a direction on what to do next.
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