On the horizon

I know I haven’t been writing much, I’ve just been kindof depressed since I came back from Indiana. I’ve alternated from not sleeping enough to sleeping way too much (10-12 hours a night) which is really odd for me. It might sound refreshing but really just ends up giving me headaches and putting a thick layer of fog over my day. I have also just been in a really funky mood, though I could try to attribute that to my surroundings, but I’m not sure exactly what it is. Since I can’t pinpoint the source I’d just as well assume that it’s my hormones or some other crazy thing like that.

I had some weird dreams last night! In one of them I had some injury where a little of my brain was exposed. I was fine, but I called mom and told her I wasn’t going to school that day because my first class was gym and I didn’t think it would be safe. She thought I was being unreasonable but I decided to skip class anyway. In another dream I saw someone breaking into another person’s car. I confronted this little Asian woman, and while she was talking to me I saw her put her hand on a gun. I ran into some salon and yelled for help, and it wasn’t so much dramatic as it was absurd. I think I just ended up walking home and everything was fine.

I have been working a lot. I’ve really just been balancing pruning with office work, because too much of one or the other gets boring. Saturday we pruned some trees on the median strip of a highway, so we had to wear orange safety vests and hardhats while the stinky traffic sped by. I generally like the "pruning team", as we’re called, though I’m not sure about working in close proximity with Ian on such a regular basis. He’s been getting on my nerves lately, mainly because I realize I still have feelings for Paul and know that Paul can make me really happy. Knowing that I feel this way just makes Ian’s attempts at conversation/impressing me piss me off. Does that make sense? I hate when he loudly tries to crack jokes, laughs too loud and has too much energy when I’m around. I know it makes me sound like a bitch but I don’t have the emotional energy to feed his ego right now (I’ve been depressed since I got back from IN, still have feelings for Paul, and have been stressing about what I’m going to do next year and where I’ll live).

There has also been some amount of drama at work lately– well, behind the scenes drama. I have been smack-dab in the middle of a huge gossip orgy at work for the past week or two, mainly dealing with how some people aren’t happy with the program and want to quit, and how others are treated really poorly by the staff. I honestly don’t have any problem with th program or the staff, and a lot of people who complain bring these problems on themselves. I mean, of course your supervisor wouldn’t like you if you are disrespectful, have a poor work ethic, and are constantly late. Some people do have valid concerns, but most (in my opinion) don’t. I also think that the people who are freaking out about the organization need to relax because we Americorps members are just visitors who are given a pretty sweet opportunity to be able to do what we do. The staff members run OCF in a way that works for them, you know?

Tomorrow we have to have a "team building" activity, as required by the Americorps program. We’re going hiking, which is pretty much the same thing we always do. Tomorrow morning at our meeting though the Americorps members are supposed to speak with staff members about our concerns, so we’ll see how that goes!

Our calendar says we have Feb. 19th off (next Tuesday), and if that’s the case I’m going to drive down and visit Paul, since I haven’t seen him in almost 2 months. I think it’d be a nice mini-vacation, so hopefully that works out.

I’m going to pick up a few extra hours today by working at a school planting, though it’s my day off. I’m just paranoid that I’m going to get behind on hours, and I want to be done before graduation (August 23) in case Renee and Autumn decide to visit (You guys should, by the way! It’d be nice to have someone to drive back to IN with, if that’s what I need to do).

::sigh:: I just don’t have the motivation to do the things I need to do… laundry, essays, taxes, showering, cleaning. I just feel too anxious, lethargic and apathetic at the same time. Anyway, my dirty fingernails are pushing me into action. Shower time!