Not quite dead, but close!

So yeah, I feel shitty.. Simon broke up w/ me yesterday.He gave me a letter before we left school, and he says he feels like a “fucking coward” for it. I just dont understand.. I mean, sure I understand WHY he did it, and I know its probably for the best, but Im just mad that he hurt me.. I told him in the beginning that I was scared of being hurt, and he said I had nothing to worry about, so I tried to trust him.. and when things started to get OK, he basically did a complete turnaround and dumped me.. well not really “dumped”, its more like he tried to crush my heart “gently”. And I dunno how well it worked.. I guess it would have been worse if he had been mean and a complete asshole about it.. but still, it doesnt matter.. it still hurts..

I hate my mood swings.. one minute i feel fine and happy and jolly, and the next minute i feel like a worthless, ugly, -insert bad names here-, unloveable whore. Like for instance, me and tanya and renee hung out today.. and everything was fine, and i was in a pretty good mood.. then we decided to go to walmart, and guess who was there? SIMON! Sure I talked to him, b/c I told him that I would be his friend.. and everything was OK, and cool.. we just talked about regular stuff.. and then when we left I felt really bad, and really depressed, and cried, and cried.. despite my paranoia of crying in front of people. And that wasnt too long ago, so i still feel bad.. but i guess that im really, really, really lucky to have a tight circle of friends, so ive been able to hang out w/ them and talk w/ them, and not have to wander the halls lonely at school or anything.. Ive had a lot of people trying to cheer me up (But NOT Tami..) and try to reassure me that im NOT a loser, and that I am a good, sweet, caring person.. especially renee, valerie, autumn, tanya, travis, jon, allison, melissa, shane,loretta, etc..

And by the way, Im pissed at Tami for being so damn coldhearted about the whole thing.. shes just focusing on the fact of how much she hates simon, and how dorky she thinks he is (which offends me, because I care/cared for him and still think highly of him, and she doesnt even fucking KNOW him, or how damn nice he is), so shes worrying about all that stuff, and really having -no- regard to my feelings.. basically shes saying she doesnt care.. and its fine if she doesnt like simon, but DAMN, I thought i was her friend and maybe she would be more sensitive to my feelings instead of being some uncaring bitch. But OH WELL, theres not much to say there.

I could go on and on writing, but Im in a lot of pain, and I am very confused about all of my emotions.. so I guess I should probably just go to bed..

I will get around to writing later, hopefully..