Leveling out

Here we go, rambling again.

I talked with Mr. Persistent, telling him that his expectations are really starting to wear me down. I told him that I just don’t have the energy to deal with it right now, and that things are getting too complicated. I finally have verbal confirmation that he’s going to let it go and we can just be friends. I feel kindof weird because even though I don’t want to be in a relationship with him, I’ve always been the kind of gal that thrives on romantic attention (not physical) from men. That’s why it has been years since I have really been single. It’s kindof nice but kindof scary to be verbalizing the fact that I do need some time to feel crummy and lonely, and that it’ll be better for me in the long run.

It’s not really being alone as much as it should be though, because I do still talk to Paul and things are so-so with him and a little confusing. The bleak prospects for our future together really struck me today as Paul talked about trying to arrange it so he can go to Peru to take a Spanish language course at a school there. Yeah, he’s pretty much accustomed to life without me already, it seems. I wish I were that strong and motivated instead of being attached and wishy-washy. I shouldn’t talk about myself in such a way though; I am doing the best I can.

I know, you guys are probably getting tired of hearing me complain. Ehh, I have a little bit of a headache. Tonight I’m letting myself have lots of alone time instead of being talked into going out. I’m an introvert at heart and I think I’ll just accept that tonight instead of being brainwashed into thinking that’s a bad thing, heh. Hopefully I can work past some of the things that have been distracting me, or at least take a little time to level out.

It’s cloudy here (for once) and this is probably affecting my mood a little. Anyway, I’m off.