It’s been awhile!

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, I know. Schools been out for 10 days now, and my summer is just like a really long weekend, where I sit around and watch TV and that’s about it. I been hangin out with Renee, since I guess Titty-bits and Poodlehead are too good for me now! Renee is now talking to my older brothers’ friend Marcus, who I have known for a couple of years and have developed SOME kind of bond. He’s like this wierd screwed up gay brother to me. I can usually talk to him about a lot of stuff, but since he’s not very experienced with girls it’s hard to talk to him about my relationships!

Speaking of relationships, I’ve never been able to trust anybody. Especially with boyfriends, I’ve been through the whole first love and break up thing at a young age so it’s hard for me to open up to people because I don’t want to get hurt, I guess. But then again I am also realistic, because I know that most people, not all, really are insensitive to your feelings and all that. Like my relationship now, I do love the guy but sometimes I see that arrogant, cocky, too good, angry, stuck up bastard side of him that i dont want to see and it makes me sick. I mean, my trust is a very fragile thing and once you break it it takes a loonnnggg time to get it back. I’ve had experiences in the past that have pretty much made me give up on the whole “happy ending” scenario. It might either be realistic or unrealistic, but I think that the relationship I have now will eventually end, and I dont want to get it in my head that that’s all there is, because that’s what happened with my first real love, and when he broke up with me I got really depressed and couldn’t figure out what there was to live for. It took me a long time to get over and I still love that guy. But I don’t want to put myself through the undescribable pain, misery, depression, and lonliness of that.If you’ve ever loved and lost, then you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t then I hope you never do!

Anyway, I’ve never been able to give myself completely to somebody. I know people that do, and I’m glad they can. But I’m the only person that I have to live with for the rest of my life so I have to make sure I’m happy. My way of thinking comes from a lot of years of stress, where I was very passive and would keep everything inside. Then I moved next door to this lady who somehow convinced me to let it out and to become independant, and somehow that “shiznit” worked. I still have a lot bottled up tho, which is why I have a very quick temper and sometimes can be unreasonable. I guess I am selfish in the fact that I want to make myself happy. Oh well. I guess I should end this because it is getting long enough.. Later!