Insecurities

Hrmm.. *cough* I feel stupid.. I mean, I dont even feel like writing, but I guess its all for the best. [not really] So why am I writing, you ask? Well, I dont know why! I dont feel very good at all, and I shouldnt even be trying to put complete thoughts and sentences together.. but oh well, its my diary and I will do whatever the hell I want!

Yeah.. I hate the fact that I am so insanely jealous.. I get jealous over the smallest and stupidest things, and in my mind I know how stupid it is, and I try to convince myself of it.. but it never works.I think its a sign of insecurity, and thats all fine and dandy.. sure, I will accept the fact that Im insecure, but I dont know what to do to stop myself from feeling that way..? And if anyone knows, tell me! Also, I guess that I am posessive.. and I can accept that, too, but I dont know what to do to change it.. its probably because of all my issues with trust and everything.. but then again it might just be that Im fucked up.. I dont know. *shrugs*

Oh well.. its bad enough that I feel this way, but its even worse when my boyfriend is “big pimpin”..I mean, he has friends that are girls, and he flirts with them and everything.. but I get all jealous and posessive when he does that.. but the dumb thing is, that I have friends that are guys, and Im a huge flirt..but for some reason, it seems ok when I do it, but not when he does it because I think its wrong. See, I DONT actually think its wrong, because that would make me completely irrational and hypocritical, but something inside me must think its wrong for me to get so jealous.. but I do the exact same thing, and I dont see why I can think its ok for me, but when it comes to him its bad.. logically, in my mind I can say these things, but no matter how hard I try to reason with myself, and no matter how stupid and hypocritical it is, when it happens I still find myself with the same feelings.. and I KNOW thats stupid, and I try to change it but it seems that I cant.. I hate being jealous..I think its a stupid emotion to have. I dont see why I cant completely convince myself of this.. but Ive been trying to keep my feelings under control, because I know how unreasonable they are.. I mean, things arent THAT bad, when I think about it.. I mean, Simon still spends the same amount of time with me, and gives me all the affection, and even when those girls are around he doesnt treat me any differently.. he still comes to my locker, and spends his whole lunch period with me, and writes me letters, and is as sweet as ever.. so why am I so worried? Probably because they can spend time with him when I cant, like during class and everything.. but Simon is still being great to me, so I think I should just stop worrying.. its just my damn jealousy kicking in.. I was in a pretty bad mood because of all of it in 7th period, then I got to thinking about how there are probably girls who want to go out with him, and girls who understand how sweet and loving he is.. and theres nothing I can do about that, but it was important for me to realize that he wants to be with ME, and not any of them.. so it made me feel kinda lucky, and happy to have him.. so then when I saw him after class I was in a pretty good mood, because I realized that he may be friends with girls, but on top of it all, he wants to be with me, and Im the one who is his girlfriend.. what more can I ask for? Maybe when my jealousy starts to kick in, I can think of that.. but knowing me I will forget completely about it and just want to punch the girl in the face.. But we’ll see!

Renee is sick.. I feel bad for her! But I got some of mine and Renees friends to make a couple of cards for her.. they were definitely works of art! >; You better be at school tomorrow, Renee!!! =P

Well anyway, I have to go eat dinner now.. shishkabobs.. bleh.. well, I will write later.. cyaz!