I just felt like crying

Now I feel quite daft because I had a good start to an entry written, but then I signed off and lost the whole thing. Silly me. Lets see if I can try it again.

Sooo, today I felt pretty bad. I even cried. Thats mainly because I got so tired of sitting around, feeling like everything was just a waste, because i seriously had noone to talk to..not my mom, esp not roger, my friends all have their own things going on, eric works all day, and i couldnt get online to talk to marcus.. I also got tired of feeling like I was being stood up by my friends.. The first time I got really agitated, I just went outside.. ended up walking to the library and read some dumbass teen magazine. Then the 2nd time I just went upstairs, let myself cry.. and cried probably a couple times. Of course I was getting to miss Georgia, because if I was there I know Id have someone to talk to or hang out with, or at least the vibe would be better. I know a lot of people there, so its just a better feeling.. not so alone. Also I know there I could have someone to love me who wouldnt do all the shit to hurt me like the other guys do. I really just wanna get up and leave but I know I cant.. I cant just run away from what makes me feel bad.. and I figure that in a year, after I graduate, I would have earned the right to get up and leave, with all the emotional shit I have to go through being here. . And I dont know if this is pitiful, but the one thing that I went to to calm me down was my dave matthews music. i dunno if I should depend on music, but I dont care. I was still feeling bad after listening to it, but it got me to calm down and think for awhile..

Then I finally got to get out of the house bc I drove my sister and her friend to the skating rink. (You think, if she can drive, why is she feeling so bad?) Well, I only have my learners permit and I can only drive with my mom. And a lot of times she doesnt feel like getting out of the house.

Damn, I didnt talk to Marcus at all yesterday, and Ive been online for about , well, I dunno, a half hour and he hasnt signed on. Sure, Im probably really being impatient, but I just want to talk to him because hes the only one who can basically make me feel better. Hes always been like that.

Whew.. on to another long subject… : The last time I saw Eric was on Wednesday night. At first he was talking about how since I want to move, we should break up sometime. But then he told me he was joking, and only said that because his brain wasnt working. And then he told me this thing about how he has a kid in mexico that stays with his mom. {hes told me a story like this before, but always says hes joking} So I told him, if he did have a kid, then I couldnt be with him anymore.. not the fact that it was a kid, but it was all his lies.. he lied about his age, he would have lied about never having sex before, and not having a kid.. When I told him I couldnt be with him, he just looked at me for awhile. It looked like he was gonna cry. But then he told me that he was joking about it, and that he wouldnt joke about it any more. But I still felt quite odd towards him. But I did bring up how if we did stay together, it would just be really hard at the end of the year when i move.. but he just brought up things like,what would be the point in being alone now, considering that its not 100% that I might move? But I was just thinking, yeah, whatever… I brought up how it makes me feel stupid when I see him every 3 or 4 days, because I have to wait around and shit.. and once again, he just sat there.. looking like he was gonna cry. Then he told me that he really does love me, and if he could change his job for me he would, but the whole point of him coming to america was to work.. he told me that he really does like being with me and i really thought he was gonna cry. That didnt make me all wussy though, i didnt tell him it was all ok.. i basically just told him thats the way things were. But a little while after that he had to go, and I havent talked to him since, so I am not really sure of the condition of our relationship. I know, I should be sure. But there’s another thing..

I would really love to be with marcus.. but i know that when i tried a long distance relationship with brent, we only ended up hating each other.. im not saying i would hate marcus, but i wouldnt want to mess up anything for the future.. now mind you, i would be more than happy to wait for him, and be with him whenever possible. I just dont want to hurt him, and Im scared that since Ill be so busy next year, my last year of high school, that I wont have much time to be online.. but none of my feelings have changed. I still LOVE him more than anyone else. And who knows, i might find him more irresistible than anything before the years through.. I know he only wants me to do what is right for me, but now i want to do something that is right for a possible “us”. I dont wanna jump into a relationship w/ him until the situation is right, because I want everything to be perfect, and much more convnient and worry free for everyone. Plus I know if I was with him Id wanna be in it for the long haul, and I dunno if Im ready. He still means the most to me.. and I hope he understands. Hopefully when I move everything will be right.. But until then, I can settle for what we have. I hope he knows how difficult it is for me to say something like that, when I wanna be with him so much. Please understand?

And now I realize that this entry has gotten pretty long.. maybe Ill end it now, and if I wanna write something else Ill just start a new one..