Confused and crummy

Work yesterday wasn’t really anything very interesting. We did the usual TFA thing (planting a tree at a demonstration site and then giving residents their trees, literature and stakes), then we had to wait around while Renae and Matt (2 people on my team) took the vehicles and went to other sites to plant trees for senior citizens. This was pretty bad organization, resulting in Carie, Karoline, Micah, Bo and I walking around some neighborhood for an hour or so. Luckily Matt came back and we were able to load up the truck with our tools (and one tree that unfortunately didn’t get picked up today… damn no shows!). The afternoon was full of databasing and making awkward phone calls to residents.

Yesterday Bo, Monte, Meghan, Zuha, Matt (Z’s boyfriend), Jen, Illena, Jing, Vinh and I went to an Ethiopian restaurant only about 6 miles from here. It was interesting… you basically eat with your fingers, scooping stuff up with this spongy kind of break stuff. I’m not sure if I really liked the taste… but then again, I didn’t really like Thai or Indian food when I first had it either. Man, this stuff was spicy-ish though, and gave me some wicked gas/indigestion. Afterward a few people came back here (since the grandparents won’t be back until Monday afternoon). It was… ehh, it was fun for awhile, but I ended up getting really pissed off.

Okay, so there are a few people at work that everyone loves to complain about. Whatever, this happens. I was getting really pissed though because it seemed like so much of the night was focused on complaining about them. If you need to vent that’s fine, but after a while it just seems excessive, unnecessary and mean. Plus, why should you have all that negative energy? Let’s just get over it and have a good time. I mentioned something and the main perpetrator did apologize, but she didn’t stop. Gah, it’s not that hard.

The guy who likes me stopped by, and he really ended up pissing me off too. I have been trying to tell him that I’m not interested in having any conversations regarding any "relationship" we might have some day, and I don’t even want to entertain the thought right now. He’s so freaking persistent though, and I’m starting to not look forward to being around him. Oh, he also has this good lady friend that he’s pretty close with, and he told me he’d be with her if he could. They hang out and talk all the time (she likes him too but has a boyfriend), and he didn’t seem to understand what I meant when I said that if you tell a girl that, she might be less than willing to invest a lot in you because you clearly have been thinking about someone else for quite awhile now. He changed this to me saying that I can’t handle his friendship with this girl and that I don’t trust him, and he left.

What the hell? We’re not in a relationship, I don’t really care about any of that crap, and it really pisses me off that you just get up and leave saying "We aren’t expressing ourselves correctly". Even as a friend that’s kindof a shitty thing to do. Weird. Now today he has been texting me, asking how I’m doing and whatever. I just feel really bogged down and bummed today, and really wish I knew something I could do clear my head and help me feel refreshed. I feel like I have been distracted for so long that I’m really out of touch will myself, and I feel really unbalanced. ::sigh:: I hate that.

I called Paul at like 2am after I had a little to drink. He was still awake (was playing WoW with one of his friends), and I was clearly in a bad place and feel pretty bad about it now. I hate relying on him emotionally… I know we’re good friends,  but I also know that I want more from him and it makes it difficult.

Something else I feel bad about: I don’t think I can go home for Christmas. It is so freaking expensive. However, if I go in January the tickets will be like half price (aka affordable!). I’m trying to talk to my mom about it to see if she might have any time off, and maybe I can visit for a week or so. Paul says if I stay in CA over christmas I can probably go to a beach house with him and his family. I don’t know if this will happen or not, or if I’ll be willing to do that. ::sigh::

It’s cool, just one of those days. Ya know? I should be starting my period soon, so that probably doesn’t help. Do you guys think I’m being unreasonable about anything though? I usually try pretty hard to look at things from the point of view of others, and never want to be one of those narrow minded people who are asses for no real reason. Beh, maybe I just think about it too much.

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I’ll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit