STRANGE LADY

 A very strange thing has happened. A strange old lady has moves into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got there. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there and the next day she was. She is a very clever old lady.
She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a glimpse of her and when ever I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance there she is hogging the whole thing and completely blocking my gorgeous face and body.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me, gone to the ATM and withdrew 100 dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude that she is stealing from me. You would think tht she would spend some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it!
 And money is not the only thing she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too – especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I just can’t seem to keep those things around the house anymore. She must really have a sweet tooth but she better  watch it as she is packing on the pounds! I think she realizes it and makes herself feel better by tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too. For an old lady, she is really quite childish. She likes to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so that they don’t fit. She messes with my files and papers so that I can’t find them. This is particularly annoying because I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.
She has found other ways to annoy me. She gets the mail, newspapers, magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can’t see it. She has done something to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephones so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things like make the stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets are hard to turn. She gets my groceries before I get to put them away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. And as if that isn’t enough she isn’t confining herself to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on she tries on the exact same outfit and stands in front of the mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.

Just when I think she couldn’t get any meaner she’s proved me wrong. She came with me to get my driver’s license picture taken. Just as the camera shutter clicked she jumped right in front of me. Who is going to believe that picture of the little old lady is me???????
She is walking on thin ice now and if she keeps this up I swear I’ll have to put her away. What is a body to do?