LAST DAY

This is our last day in Florida. I am doing the washing and will do last minute packing etc. I woke up in a sad mood. Not sure why. I had a chat with hubby over supper last night. It will not solve anything.

He called that other woman his buddy or little buddy. It hurt me to the core. I don’t think he realizes how much it hurts me. He did say that he will be playing less with her in Montreal and that he doesn’t mean to hurt me. It’s just that she is reliable and plays at the same level as he does. He says that when he plays often she plays with the men and she is playing with the women. However he always picks her up and the others and her golf clubs are in his car because he has a van.

I think the main issue is that he is the most coldest man I have ever known. I have lived with it for so long. What do I do at this stage? He says that he has never been a touchy, feel, huggy sort and when I look back to the dating scene I realize that’s how he was. I am not sure if I am weepy because I am stressed out from having to pack etc. or if it’s because I don’t know what to do about him. Do I want to live the rest of my life with such a cold man? Do I instigate all the hugs and kissed I need/want?

I know him well. For example now he is busy packing etc. We usually work alone as we are both doing our thing. I am use to it but today I want him to TALK to me. Again he hardly ever initiates conversation. Maybe when we have a meal together. That’s probably typical of a lot of men.

Am I trying to convince you and me why I should stay/leave? I guess when I go back I should see the psychologist again and try to decided once and for all. On the other hand I guess it is stupid to leave as we have been together for so long and in the end he does care about me and will always look after me.

I should make a list of the pros and cons of staying/leaving. Maybe there are other things bothering me too.

He says I have a lot of secrets from him like this diary and my finances. I asked him if he would want to know about my finances. I am sure he doesn’t. As far as this diary I have a right to have it but maybe I should let him read it if he wants to. Why should I hide my true feelings? I have to give this more thought.

I guess I should get on with my day. So much to do.