I AM JUST NO GOOD

 I am just no good!!!! What I mean is that I am not GRATEFUL for what I have. Sometimes like now I feel like crawling out of my skin. I was talking to my daughter last night and all I could think of is how depressed I get when I can’t spend money. I know it is terrible. I know there are more important things in life however no matter how much I try to ignore this issue it is behind my mind all the time. I am sure there are other things like aging. I fell the other day. I didn’t get hurt but it is one more reminder that I am getting older. I just don’t how how to change my outlook. Believe me I am trying. I am "happy" when I go to the clubhouse and go swimming, do my stained glass etc. However I get depressed when I have to make supper, clean etc. Last night I told my daughter and hubby that I give in. I will start using plastic dishes etc. like my hubby has been doing for years.  It will mean less dishes I guess, less emptying the dishwasher. I am sure that’s not the only thing. I just don’t know how to be  grateful. I don’t know what the H is wrong with me. I wish I had a pill! If I am like this when I get back I will insist on seeing a psychiatrist and maybe getting on some meds even though I hate the thought of taking another pill. I wonder if one of my meds is making me "depressed." My daughter is talking to me and trying to help. She has decided to stay until December fourth. It is good and bad like everything else.

It will be a big relief when we are alone.  She thinks nothing of me doing everything. I probably should have her do the dishes etc. but I know how happy and relieved she is to have MOMMY do everything! I wish I had a MOMMY! My hubby is happy like a pig in shit. He is playing golf three times a week and wants to play four times a week. I guess it upsets me because I don’t have anything I really enjoy doing. Maybe I shouldn’t say that! I do enjoy going to the clubhouse – doing my stained glass and swimming but I think I need something else………………something I can be passionate about. I decided not to get a three wheeler here because I don’t think I would enjoy driving it in the sun and heat.

I realize spending money is NOT the answer to my happiness but I don’t know what is. I know I should think of the poor and miserable people in the PHILIPPINES! I GUESS IT IS JUST TOO ABSTRACT FOR ME. 

TOMORROW HUBBY IS GOING TO PLAY GOLF. My daughter will probably go to the library. I have two classes. In the morning I am going to a LEARN TO KNIT. In the afternoon I am going to a new ART class. It will keep me busy and hopefully "happy."

I remember the days when I went into the library and took out a bunch of books and was "happy."

It just doesn’t make sense.

I have so much. How do I get to appreciate ? I don’t want to wait for a disaster!!!!!!!

I don’t feel like calling friends although that is nothing new.

I don’t want to make a chicken soup which is usually the first thing I do when I get to a new "home." My daughter wants me to show her how to make a soup. I told I would if she helped all the way. I am just not interested to make it on my own. I don’t know why. Is it because I don’t want to bother with the work? Does it bother me because my hubby is so happy and excited about golf and I have "nothing."

Not being able to drive is also upsetting. Even though my hubby is more than ready and willing I still find it hard. We go to a store and I know he is waiting! I only have a few weeks to go……………………………………….will it help when I can drive? Maybe a little………………………………………..I wish I had my car here. That would help, I think.

Maybe I will discuss with my hubby about going to see someone here. After all he is spending on golf and my health’s more important. I will discuss it with him tonight. I had to pay in Montreal even though we have medicare.

OY! I NEED A PILL SO I CAN CHILL! I WONDER IF A TYLENOL WOULD DO THE TRICK.