GETTING ALONG WITH HUBBY
I know that many marriages don’t succeed. Years ago they did mostly because it was a sin and a shame to get a divorce. Also a woman needed a man for support. NO MORE! I have absolutely no faith in marriage.
Anyhow hubby and I have been married for over 40 years! The first twenty or thirty were fine as I was busy raising the kids and he was busy earning a living. We had traditional roles! Actually I think it’s the best way to have a healthy marriage and family. Of course that’s only my two cents BUT BUT ——
How do you manage a family when both of you come home at the end of the day exhausted????? The children need attention.
Supper needs to be made.
Your marriage needs attention.
Anyhow here are just a few pointers which might work BUT BUT people change so much during a marriage of ten, twenty or thirty years? People are living longer now. How can they maintain a relationship?????????
1. Plan some time EVERY evening to sit together – have a drink, talk and just be together. No pressure to communicate.
2. Have a "date" every week. If you can’t afford a babysitter maybe you can trade some time with a friend or neighbour.
3. Don’t criticize each other. Do your best to be positive.
4. Some evenings just go out for supper with the children. Even go to McDonalds. The children can eat and play and you can sit and relax.
5. If you’ve had a stressful day try to stop for a coffee for a chance to relax and unwind.
6. SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do the beds really have to be made everyday?????? Can you use plastic dishes once in awhile? Maybe buy some at the Dollar store. Do the children really have to attend all those after school activities?
7. Do you both have to work? Is there a way to cut down expenses? If you work you need special clothes……babysitters, transportation. Do you really need that house? Who is there all day??????????? The years your children are young are short even though they seem forever. WE live long so if you stay home twenty years you still have a LONG time to do what you dream about.
8. Above all you must COMMUNICATE!
9. Above all you must Compromise.
10. Give each other free time to recharge your batteries.
11. Take your children to the park together. You can sit on a bench and relax, maybe talk……..
12. Keep meals simple but nutritious. A crock pot is wonderful. You can prepare supper in he crock pot before you leave for work and it will be ready when you come home.
ABOVE ALL MAKE A COMMITMENT TO STAY TOGETHER ESPECIALLY FOR THE CHILDREN.
Hubby and have always eaten supper as a family. Even now that we are only two we always eat supper at the table together. We might talk. We might not but we eat together. We respect each other. We have always had our own space and we don’t interfere in each other’s space.
IMPORTANT! When we give each other a job to do we stay away. We let the person get on with it without watching over their shoulders.
I am not saying our marriage is/was perfect but we STICK/STUCK together and there are great rewards. We are great friends!!!!!!!!! We understand each other. We respect each other.
So that’s my two cents about marriage.
My suggestion to youngsters these days is probably NOT to get married. I feel so sad when there is a divorce and children are caught in the middle. Stay single. Have fun! Don’t have children!!!!!!!! Once you have children you are a parent forever. That adorable baby grows up and NEVER becomes independent or hardly ever.
MORE THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN.
There is nothing at all wrong with marriage. People make that assumption all the time that marriage is bad. It is not marriage that is bad. What complicates marriage is simply that one person is more committed, more giving, more accepting than the other person. Almost always, marriages fail due to lack of committment, or due to secrets, or due to cheating. Marriage has nothing to do with any of this. God gave marriage to us because it is a great celebration of a special connection that two people have with each other. And God made marriage holy and wonderful. It is only those evil, or those cheating , or those people that abuse or that control other people or those people that do not know what real love is –THAT IS what ruins marriages. In life, people give marriage a bad rap, when in truth, marriage is , a good marriage between two like-minded, and like-faithed people , marriage is usually a very wonderful, most rewarding, and very joyful experience. That is only my opinion. Everyone has their own opinion on the topic. I will always believe that marriage is wonderful. You just need TWO of the same kind of people —thinking the same or similar. continued i
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2. (continued). In order for marriage to be successful, you need two individuals who are willing to sacrifice, and to have patience and to know that love is not control and control is not love. two people that truly love each other and that care for each other as they care for themselves –in most wonderful ways. Yes, marriage is a good thing. Not all marriages can stand up to that gold standard, but many, many, millions of marriages do . Sorry that you are having great troubles. KEEP on sharing your thoughts here. This is good to talk things over. Talking helps and sometimes heals. Take care of yourself –first. Do what is good for you as long as that doesn’t hurt someone else.
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3. AND most importantly, never sacrifice your whole self for anyone, and not for marriage. For example, when women marry batterers, that is a situation where women seem to give their whole selves up– to sacrifice everything to try and change the batterer into a ‘normal” person. That doesn’t work. So if someone is in that situation, take small steps to change yourself –HELP yourself, get backto school, get a part time job or full time job, go volunteer, get re-connected with the community, HELP yourself in those ways. And know that by helping yourself that is the best thing that you can do, so keep on doing it. Okay, that’s what I have to say about marriages for now. THANKS for writing your entry, I did enjoy reading it. And your entry has helped many women, who might be going through the same thing that you are going through.
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I wish someone had said all of this to me when I was 19. Instead, mom my pressured me to get married and have children right away. I was only 20 when I became married, 22 when my daughter was born, and 25 when we split up. I do wish I had not spent my 20’s being a single parent. And even now I work 40-50 hours a week and miss so much of my kid’s life. Again, excellent advice
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This is great marital advice and actually from someone who knows. I hate when I read an article about this subject and then I do a little research on the author and find that they’ve been divorced 3 times or something. So-called experts. But you have actually been there for the duration! Kudos to you!
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Saw you on the Reader’s Choice, Great entry.
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Not all married couples choose to have kids so while I agree with many of these I think generalizing that all married couples want to or have kids takes away from your other points. More and more couples are choosing a child-free life.
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Great entry. I was married 10 years, divorced in 1995 and never remarried. Spent my time working, raising four children, and going to school. Now my kids are grown, successful, and I am enjoying two grandchildren. Life is good, but I have been scarred for life.
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Some good advice here. Having kids is what tears couples apart. It’s hard to raise a child together!
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I’ve been married for 51 1/2 years – many of them were unpleasant but in the waning years of life, it is great to have support and help. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.I think success has mostly to do with men. Talk about hormonal!!! 🙂 They are dominating and selfish and think they are smarter than everyone. Your solutions here have to do with men — women are mostly giving and nurturing.
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If you can get your man to do these things you mention, then the marriage will be a success. That is, if his hormones don’t go crazy and start looking for other women to “love.” (They’re “love” and all feelings are usually quite temporary.) At that point, then you, the woman, start looking for someone to comfort you. Yes, making a marriage work is hard work, but WORTH IT.
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I don’t believe all marriages are destined to fail. I personally am not married but am surrounded my many people in loving, long lasting relationships (parents,grandparents etc) so I believe that it is like anything – if people want it bad enough they will make it work. I think the problem is we live in such a throw away society, and it has progressed even to our relationships. Nowadays people
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have a lot of options; almost too many. So when things get tough, or require a bit of work,they just throw the towel in. People can be selfish and often find it is easier to just move on to the next, and so they keep doing that.The grass is also always greener on the other side (or appears as such).People who are married, want to be single -people that are single want to be married. Our society is
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is always wanting more.. we want everything and we want it NOW. No-one has patience anymore. No-one puts hard work into anything except their careers.. and then many (not all) regret it down the road when they are by themselves and having nothing outside of work. I get what you are saying but I am not sure NOT having people get married/not having babies will solve anything. I Think people just
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need to take marriage a bit more seriously. But then again, lets be honest. todays society cannot commit to much, statistics say that majority of people will no longer stay at the same company of employment longer than 5 years. I think we are just becoming too spoiled with all these options; too much of a good thing!
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Good advice. Your first noter.. did they read your whole entry? It sounds like not?
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Amazing entry. I feel quite positively about marriage, although I don’t feel it is the be-all-end-all of a couple’s journey. I’ve recently separated from someone who I had planned to be with forever. Luckily we never married or had children but it was still hard. I wish I had thought of all this at the time. I hope to remember your advice when I meet the man that is right for me 🙂
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I think this is good advice BUT…the bottom line is that people are basically selfish these days and want things their own way and when they do not get that, they give up on a relationship. I told my daughters NOT to get married right away, have fun, sow your oats and don’t fall in love with the first guy you date (like I did). Worry about your career first and foremost. And yes do not have kidsunless you fully understand what it takes to raise them, all the sacrifices you have to make and it mostly falls onto you (not the dad) that is the reality of the situation. So far they are listening to me. People are living longer too. I got married at age 21, if I was still married and we both lived to age 91 (which is very possible) we would be together for 70 YEARS!!! I do not think I could be with someone that long.Plus marriage is an outdated institution. I have been reading a book about marriage and people did not get married for love, it was a business arrangement back in the day. It is only recently that marriage became about love (maybe the last 50 years or so) You do not NEED to get married these days, it is more of a desire not a necessity.
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Good advice!
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On my second marriage and everything you listed was missing from the first and has been fixed in my second. Been some rough times but we’ve had our ‘come to jesus’ moment recently and have regrouped and it’s better. Congrats on your long marriage. They are a lot of work but well worth the effort.
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Very good advice !!
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