Slight problem, any advice?

Hi, I’m new here. And I’ve got a problem.

I want to come out but telling someone I like girls just makes it real. To be honest, I’m not even sure what my label is, (maybe bi)  and I don’t really want to label myself, is that allowed? My mum is really homophobic and when I was younger I guess I took on some of those traits. I was always taught that it was ‘disgusting’ and they ‘shouldn’t be showing that on TV’. And when I was younger I truly believed all these comments but they made me angry even though I didn’t know why.

I’ve tried to broach the topic of the LGBTQ community by bringing up one of my oldest friends who is transgender and using their real pronouns and new name. My mum just got mad at me and starting lecturing me, she said that we shouldn’t say anything to anyone’s faces but we should never agree with it. She then told me to delete social media and not go on my phone for a month because I’ve become ‘fake’ and I’m taking on other peoples morals.

My mum is a single mum of four children and religious. And the family dynamic is very…strange. Basically we live in the same house but don’t know anything about each other and when we talk it’s just full of screaming and insults. My older sisters cut off contact with everyone but me and has gone to university. She would understand I think but I’m not brave enough right now to tell her. And her leaving has made things worse in general.

I’m constantly on edge that Ill slip up or somehow my family will find out. And I don’t want them to hate me or to be a burden or cause my mum anymore pain.

So I’m in the middle of a sexuality and on a smaller note gender crisis. And I’ve done way too many ‘Am I Gay?’ tests. Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have any advice what to do?

-ghostgirl14