#EpicFail

So I’m basically starting a second OD as my other OD has all my friends and (more importantly) my wife’s friends on it.

I think the last time I restarted an OD was during an epic relationship failure.  It turns out I’m really not good at these things.

So all cards on the table – I cheated online with a variety of online, more-or-less anonymous women.  I seem to suffer from literally every sexual taboo/fetish out there.  I hid all this from my wife and lied about it when confronted.  And now we’re at absolute rock bottom.

I’m a little stunned that she 1. let me in the house and 2. is even considering/wants to go to see a marriage therapist.  I know I sure do.  I want to see a marriage therapist and a regular therapist…fix all these fucking problems with my brain and personality and be the right person for my wife on the inside as well as the outside.  I don’t want to lie to her anymore, I don’t want to keep any secrets.  I guess I just had to drag the both of us to the very bottom of the emotional barrel to find that I’m 100% committed to doing it.

It’s mind boggling to me.  The rational part of me doesn’t understand why I lived this second life but simultaneously understood that I had this fucking freaky side that needed some sort of outlet.  Normally that outlet would be just some filthy porn…but that was a pretty bad downhill slide that eventually led me to reaching out to a female with similar interests.  I probably would have been ok had I not crossed THAT line.  But, being the totally self absorbed person that I am, I crossed that line and couldn’t stop.  #shitbag

Every day is a fight for me.  I’ll wake up with these dark thoughts and need to satisfy them.  That’s usually pretty easy and any sane or reasonable guy can handle that.  I don’t know why I needed that extra serving of taboo to satisfy me.  I think whatever that devil on my shoulder is the one that I need professional help to exorcise.

Ugh.

My whole life has been so me-focused.  My career.  Career advancement.  Bringing new business to my company.  My military career.  Advancement there.  Commanding over 100 troops.  Upcoming deployment.  My parents.  My dad lying to me about his age and identity and my half sister.  His almost heart attack.  All through this I have not focused on my wife and really sat down to readjust myself.  What a clusterfuck.