to work or not to work

 So I started working and almost right away  I regretted taking on this assignment.  Many things contribute to this.  First off, they called, "your background check came back great, we need you to start tonight".  I have a 7 month old. I need to call the daycare (which actually I had been calling and just not heard back from them) to make sure they can take her.  "Well, we won’t have any other start dates."  Fine. I’ll be working nights so for a few days it won’t kill me to get little or no sleep.  So I start.  It’s a temp job so only 6-8 weeks they said.  WRONG.  It’s only 3-4 weeks. Which actually works out ok because the daycare can’t take her. They lost someone short notice so they are understaffed till the 21st.  

I’m exhausted. I work 12-7:30, come home, take care of Molly all day (sleep when she naps which on a good day equals to about 4 hours) and then I do house work, make dinner and go back to work. M says he is going to help but what is he going to do?  Take care of Molly for me? Yes, on the weekend he tries but he is lazy about it. I can’t stand that about him and he knows I know it.   He says he’ll help with house work. But no, he doesn’t.  He wouldnt’ even know what to do without asking and frankly if I have to explain to him what to do, what is the point? Why can’t he just look around the house and pick something? It’s not hard.  

Frankly I spent the last two nights calling in.  These are the only two nights I can do that without losing the job.  I’m just tired and I needed to catch up on some sleep. Getting no sleep is particularly hard on me because of all my emotional issues.  It’s just the way I am.  But we spent the evening discussing whether or not this job is worth it for me.  The money, is nice, but I won’t be making as much as we thought because the job just isn’t long enough.   I’m tired, I’m not able to do all the things for Molly that I want to.  Her bracing is going horribly because we are both too exhausted to put up with her crying all night about it so we just take it off.  I’ve never considered her special needs but she requires extra attention and as a mom right now I feel like a failure.  We missed PT today and I have not even been doing the stretches for her neck like I should be.  

It’s all just too much.  I’m not sure what to do.  We won’t die without the money but I really wanted to prove to myself and to M that I could do this.  He says that it is not necessary, but I feel like it is.  

Either way at the end of this whole deal, end of Feb. I’m going to Vegas to visit my parents.  Me and Molly.  I’m really looking forward to it. My brother is going to fly in from Sacramento and my sister and her kids will be there and I’ll get to hang out and Molly will play with her ‘Gongai’ and I’ll get a little break for a bit.  Maybe even have a few drinks one night. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do that. Even though my mom is paying for the flight I really did want to have made some extra spending money for while I was there.  Maybe I’m just going to have to get on with it and get back to work.  I need a future me to tell me what he best option will be.