Friday night

Y’all typically you wouldn’t find my at my house on a Friday night, ON a kid free weekend, AFTER a breakup! When I was single, and my kiddos were with their dad, typically I was out and about. But that wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t healing. I was trying to escape. Trying to find ways where I didn’t have to be alone with my thoughts and face them.

I went to a bookstore today while the kids were in school and bought a few self help books. I spent most of my day after that cleaning my house and reading in bed. With other breakups the silence was SO loud I just couldn’t take it…. But this breakup feels different. I realized after this one that it wasn’t me. I realized his patterns and actions were identical to my ex husband who was a narcissist. I revisited how me and my ex met and how quickly everything moved and realized he too is a narcissist. I’m well aware how they work and I’m sure he has already moved on. As much as I loved him and accepted him, it would have never worked out. He just wasn’t the right one for me. We truly didn’t have much in common…. I hated doing the things that he loved… and our views about major things for me, just didn’t mesh well. He was a people person, and all about social interaction… and I’m more of a homebody that likes people at a distance or on my own time. He was all about traveling and being in cities…. I like the solitude of country towns and dusty dirt roads…. We just weren’t a good match. I realized that I settled and did so because I wanted a relationship and the complete family so bad, I let go of my morals, my wants, and my needs for my future and for my kids future. There were so many times he abused me that I should have walked away over…. But I stayed. I stayed and I was miserable.

being alone right now and trying to heal isn’t half as miserable as it was staying with a person who didn’t value me and didn’t love or respect me. I’m a work in progress. I still have days where I struggle. But my faith is growing and each day I’m getting stronger.

this is my new start. This is the end of the old me who chased red flags. This is the start of the rest of my life, the happy version…. And I’m going to make the absolute best of it, no matter how much I struggle. Baby steps.