Hero’s often fail

One of the great joys of my job is my business partner, G.  Him and I love to dissect songs and give our interpretations to their meanings.  Last week I was house-sitting for my ex-girlfriend, Julia.  On Monday night G introduced me to this song by Gordon Lightfoot.  I hadn’t told him that I would be house-sitting for the ex-girlfriend that still haunts my memories.  The one who makes it impossible to have other relationships that last outside the bedroom.

If you could read my mind
by Gordon Lightfoot

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see

If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind the drugstores sell
When you reach the part where the heartache come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you won’t read that book again
Because the ending’s just too hard to take

I’d walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, let’s be real
I never thought I could act this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it
I don’t know where we went wrong
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You’ll know that I’m just trying to understand
The feelings that you lack
I never thought I could feel this way
And I’ve got to say that I just to get it
I don’t know where we went wrong
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back

This is, quite possibly, the most complex story of love lost that I’ve ever listened to.  Everytime I listen to it or think about it, the song has a deeper meaning to me.  I feel like a ghost chained to a wall, I’m not real because I continue to think about her.  Julia makes it so I’m never real, I’m purely a shell of a human.  An incomplete person like a ghost.  I’ll be a ghost as long as her memories keep control of me.

I listen to the next two verses over and over and over.  The storybook versus reality when it comes to a relationship.  She had a notion of love that had been built by books, movies, and fairytales.  The reality is, though, as a man -the hero- I failed.  I didn’t make it work.  I picture Fabio on the cover, he goes to rescue the fair maiden and fails.  What a shitty book that would be, but it’s what happened.  It was my job to rescue the fair maiden and whisk us off to happy never never land, but I failed.  That will forever be the legacy I leave on that relationship, my failure.  When it comes down to it, I had my fair maiden but couldn’t keep her happy.  It ended up being a three way script with one girl looking for affection from more than one guy.  I got burned, the funny thing about burns is even when they heal they leave a scar.  Anytime you look at, or touch, that scar it floods back memories to the fire.

I know these things about myself, I know I have to work to move forward, I know all these things… that doesn’t make it any easier.  Especially when you house sit for your ex in the apartment you shared.  Looking at what was, but won’t be again.  Staring at her new boyfriend’s running shoes.  Letting myself continue being a ghost chained in a castle.