You ever have somebody you just can’t quit?

I’m actually pretty sure that when I started my original diary, which would have been.. 16 years ago… I was complaining about the same friend.

Nothing changes.

We drift in and out of each other’s lives, and about a decade ago I called it quits. Mostly because it was proven, time and time again, that they just weren’t a good friend. We were too codependent. He knew he could ask me for anything, and he did. We both needed to work on ourselves.

Nowadays I’m happily married. I adore my husband, I adore our toddler. I like my life.

But I have these persistent dreams about this friend, and I wake up intensely missing them.

Did you ever have a friend who just.. got you?

You could tell them anything, even the deep dark shit, and they wouldn’t look at you like you were crazy cause they had it too? And you could talk and talk for hours and it just always felt easy?

Or maybe I’m just remembering the past wrong. We only remember memories of our memories, after all.

Still, it felt special. Dozens of friendships and lovers over the years, nobody has stuck in my mind quite like them  I don’t know why.

I reached out. I sent him a letter. (My husband knows and encouraged this)

Nothing ridiculous. And I’ve been anxiously checking my email ever since.

Nothing.

Which.. that’s ok. In the grand scheme of things, maybe even for the best. Maybe he never got it, maybe he read it and just didn’t want to. Maybe I’m wrong and our friendship was more one sided than I thought and he just doesn’t need me anymore.

Im trying to be ok with it.

And not check my email so much.

But it’s really hard.