words to myself

I got that feeling again. The one where it feels like the top of my skull has been blown off, and that my mind is open to the air, cold and dark, and an expanse of universe all there above me fighting to freeze my brain. Everything around me just seems to overwhelm me, and sometimes i just think i need to pull the noose tighter and rock myself of the stool. i think its seeing everything packing up, and everyone going off, dragging their heels after the good year, but still underneath glad to be going home. And me? well. i dont know. i cant pack my things up. I cant make myself do it.

It will be left to the last moment. like everything.  I find that even the most insignificant conversation is above me, i sit in silence in the midst of a conversation and even if i am really listening, and wanting to join, i cant mutter a word. so occasionally i add something i would normally say, and thats all i can manage.

I kinda was in the mood to get trashed the other night. and i did. almost the drunkest i have ever been. and my housemate was fantastic, because she was so great and helped me out and looked after me, but im too embarassed to say thanks to her, because no ones really looked after me when im like that before. i feel embarrased. but i told her alot and i kind of wish i hadnt now, but i am glad i did because i feel she is a big part if my life now and i want her to know me better. i feel that now she does though. but i feel embarrased and a bit cut off now. because she knows… lol. i know its stupid.

Also i have kinda been eating erratically again and not drinking and stuff. i keep getting memories of things that happened a long time ago. Not necesarily all bad things, but things i had forgotton and it freaks me out. hmm. argh. i need to stop feeling fucking sorry for myself and get on with it. i enrage myself, i am so angry right now.  i am sooo frustrated with myself.

Just fucking sort it out you fool!

xXx