Blinder

Got a blinder behind the eyes.

i often sit, wondering, now what it is that im actually doing, ”acheiving” if you will,  but its just one of those moments, where the answer defeats itself, before you even think of it.

i bumped into Jim, one of my old tutors today, we got talking and he asked me how things were going, ‘not good’ i said,

i meant to say ‘not bad’, but ‘not good’ came out.

Im not sure how surprised he was.  Its hard to measure reactions when you can hardly look up.

I am in a lot of physical pain right now, i have been for weeks. I cant even pin point it necessarily.

just general all over pain.

Im in a pretty dark mood right now, but when ever i go to meet my freinds i put on a smile as i walk in. and after a little while it becomes a real smile. Its not til i leave them to go home that i lose it again.

last night i just felt so lost, in a sea of bodies (and minds), totally unlike mine,

and that felt out of control. Beyond my control.

and i hated it.

xXx