.Back to Zero

whats changed? if anything.

I guess i feel better, but im not sure if its in a more removed, or more connected way. I suspect its a little of both. But – more or less – i feel differently. I guess, to quantify, i mean to say i actually feel less.

Before every single thing was so overwhelming and intense and painful, and now it seems nothing is.

it all seems irrelevant. Like a small stone in a huge expnse of sea. Like a single pin stuck in a three hundred year old oak. It really is nothing. Anything is nothing. nd i’m always seemingly saying ‘it’ll be fine’ and not feeling like im lying.

I guess in a way my mum was right, just before i moved away she said when she looked at me she could tell i had given up, let go. and i have, i did, i’d never let go before in my  life. but i let go once, and never hled on again. is it better to wander? no, not wander, drift. drifting is what im doing, for now at least. And it feels alright. well, it doesnt feel like anything, so long as you dont think about it. and for the majority of the time i dont anymore. i havent thought in months, which is why i barely write anymore.

im not sure if its for the best in the long term, but its keeping m normal, its keeping me walking the rope, at deft speed. Time is flying so so so fast, and im stranded, drifting, indifferent. words fail me now, as if i have nothing else to say, im empty, this is all i have.

some days  feel so empty i cant even talk. i feel like a shadow, an imitation, a shape wth no content. i cant focus or concentrate on any one thing, it just is, and im not really here.

it hit me, this is my new feeling, replacing everything that was, this is all i have. this is all i am. i used to want to have a voice, now im content tobe silent.

Everything is nothing and has been for some thoughtless time now. There is no extreme, no sharp corners, no edges to fall over. and at the same time very little to say, and no one i really want to say it o.

this strangely is almost the first feeling i ever rememebr having, i’ve come full circle, a lifetime in these twenty years, Im back to zero.

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