assume control

i cant explain exactly what it means to me. i think this is probably the first time i’ve ever hated someone but felt the need to protect them at the same time. and it confuses me.

Im not the best at things like this. i tend to either hate people entirely or like them entirely. i have never hated someone but wanted them to be ok.

Which is why i have to leave. Its fucks with my head knowing whats going on, and knowing that despite myself i cant do anything about it. c-o-n-t-r-o-l f-r-e-a-k. yes i know.

if i could be any one, i mean anyone, i’d be god, or the great spirit or what ever. or a dictator. the thrill of control.

when i write stories i live those peoples lives, i control their actions and they get to be what i am.

i find it difficult to relate to people because i instantly assume they are me, they are like me, i assume that they will know what i mean, or how im feeling everytime and it frustrates me when they just dont see what im trying to be.

i want everyone to be psychic and to know what to say and when. i want to be able to look into their eyes and see exactly what they see when they look into mine.

i want to …

i dont know. what do i want? where do i want to end up? where will i end up? i dont know.

but i have been having this dream for the past few years , and in it i see where i end up. and how it ends. and its peaceful,

so i know that at some point i will move into that street, walk into that room, and i’ll know that i have reached the end of this journey,

and be closer to the next one.

                             *                                 *                                          *                                             *

The train of life waits for no one,

he said.

my head and my heart feel as though they will split open and spill onto the floor. The muddy, dirty floor.

The darkshines of the moon light are all that keep me awake, that and the aches.

How long will life hurt? after a while does every breath feel more natural?

when does life become what you imagine of it?

i dont fool myself.

i’d like to see a day where the sky looked blue instead of grey.

where a laugh or a smile lasted more time then it took to think.

think it away.

wake up, i hear screamed into my ear, but how could i be any more awake?

if someone wants to love me, they have to love everything that comes with me.

a package deal with free misery.