Triangulated!

There was a confluence of events that helped me arrive at my most recent epiphanies.

Discussed last week was my date with… what code word did I use? Let’s go with Date 5/30 today. Ehhh… what’s that say if I’m resorting to numbers for people. Cringe!

Back to the point, I did well to uphold some boundaries with my date on 5/30 and did nothing I was uncomfortable with doing. I was applauding myself and hoping it would continue.

Date 6/6 that didn’t happen. There was truly little communication up to the date and in a similar scenario before I had cancelled it. I believe there should be momentum going into the date and without consistent communication that’s impossible. When she gave me a hug upon greeting, I knew things might be awkward and one sided. What am I supposed to do to get out of it? I’m so set on having a “good” date that I will sell the farm to make it happen. This comes in the form of me being more open than I would like to fill the air. I’m sure it has an inverse effect: I’m becoming less interested while they’re becoming more interested.

Unlike the previous week, 6/6 grabbed my hand as we walked away from the restaurant. I could already tell there was some physical tension building. I was out of energy to keep blabbering on by myself so when she clearly wanted me to kiss her I did… and we continued because that was much easier than talking. It was troubling. Here I am making out with someone who legit likes me and I am wondering what time it’ll be before I go home. JERK. Is she going to ask me to go to my place, or have me drive her home? I can’t stop this train because no matter what it’s going to be awkward. I rode the hormonal high until the next morning. I felt guilt, shame, violation because she was supposed to be demi-romantic. It was supposed to take a few dates to get to that point. Why did it? And why couldn’t I stop it?

Now we arrive at the epiphanies. The most applicable term for what I experience is Reciprosexual. If you express to me that you like me in that way then I will reciprocate without hesitation. It also means that if you’re not vibing with me then I’m going to keep to myself. It’s almost like my mirror neurons are hyperactive in these situations.

Combine that with Ageosexual – a disconnection between physical intimacy and attraction. I can be attracted to someone and not be driven to act upon those things.

Then as if a trifecta is needed, I do take myself to be Demisexual. I need an emotional connection to “perform” physically. In this scenario that was missing. I erroneously relied on someone else to have my boundaries remain intact. That’s MY responsibility.

That’s not to say I don’t like romance or doing romantic things – clearly, sipping adult beverages, eating tacos outside on a warm, sunny spring day by the water is romantic. I live for that stuff. It also doesn’t dictate my drive because if the connection is established then all systems go.

The patterns go allllllll the way back. My first relationship was sexual and for TWO years, as a teenager I beat myself up about just going with it instead of saying I wasn’t ready or giving it a try and then being able to reflect back on how I felt about it. I had an experience where someone clearly wanted to hang out just for sex and no one had a “happy ending.” Even my hottest relationships to date, with LP… that first date I didn’t want to ’round the bases. I just wanted to watch the August sunset over Puget Sound. It has gotten to the point of having sex even though that is not how I want to conduct myself. No matter if it was 2005 or 2022 I would’ve done the same thing. Until now. I have the pattern and I can seek to keep it in check proactively.

And clearly, not knowing this about myself has put me in a position to hurt other people. I shouldn’t have been put in the place of having to refuse a hand or sit there awkwardly instead of kissing.

My aim right now is to be a respectable person, find a loving companion and to not get “stuck” for 14 years. I’m doing this by myself and picking up new concepts along the way without the help of a therapist. If I could run a simulator, then I absolutely would do that instead of meeting and hurting real people. That reminds me… I ought to work with Replika…