The Difference in a Year, 06/2021 v 06/2022

I thought it might be fun to see how much difference a year can make.

06/04/2021:

I’m kind of doing it again. STBXW and I have been broken up for 4 months now, March 6th, 2021 and despite what I thought I’m actually getting a couple of good conversations going on a dating app called Hinge. In particular, this girl “1st Date” who is some sort of a programmer and WSU alum. She texted me a back a few times Friday and that’s been enough to make be like, “damn – I hope to meet 1st Date!” or “I can’t wait to hear back from her!” This is what I do, because now I’d be willing to let other things fall off the radar and focus on her. That’s how I feel. What I’ve done though is continued tinkering with other dating apps. My subconscious came up with and I put into action to try and appease it with responding to an Ad on an app called “Catch” where a young girl, 20 posted that she wanted to be bred/get pregnant. I’m 95% certain I will not receive a response. I’m also 95% I curious because honestly, I’m not going to have some sort of bastard child out there. Now I’m curious to see if it’s a ploy to reel in anyone for a relationship. (NOTE: I did never get a response so my intuition was correct)
 
The dating waters are obviously very… interesting. I still take all this over being with STBXW still. 
 
I recognize the pattern though and combine it with the other things I have done in order to get around not doing the things I should really be doing. I have gotten started on dating because I can’t move forward in my living situation.
 
There’s another pattern right there – focusing on one person. Yet, if I can get things going with other people it feels like a betrayal. *If* I still keep looking for others than it’s not such a big deal if one person drops our conversation. There’s potential there though it feels like… or an opportunity that’s being shut down. Then again, I have to remind myself if it was meant to be, it will be… and it not, then just move on. I get to be my own person. I just have to continue to live up to the sentiment that I can be alone. 
 
That too may be part of the drive, is still that fear of being alone. I’ve had a feeling of emptiness today and yesterday because the ENTP chat isn’t quite as happening as it was, and I’m pretty set on the patterns of the dating apps. I need a new thing. 

I also need to vent a little bit (okay, maybe a lot) on what I learned and did in conversation with STBXW yesterday after she was done being in San Diego, Yuma with her parents, and Trevor. (NOTE: This was the bulk of the entry)

I can’t really do anything about how things transpired. I can just ensure I don’t repeat history. I also shouldn’t bring back everything that was given up at that time (2006). I was overextended anyway. If I’m going to make clear decisions, I have to take on one or two things at a time.

06/03/2022:

I’m in a bit of a conundrum now. I have 3 relatively active conversations going on with different women. Unlike January 2022, people are actually taking interest and wanting to meet; difference between the Omicron wave and now it’s sub-variant?!? The holidays?

Person#1 who I feel like I have the best compatibility with took initiative in getting my number yesterday and text off the app. That was following confirmation of a date which is scheduled for Sunday afternoon at a place which sells non-digital games and has a space with free games to play. There’s also food and drink options. It’s going to be a good time. I never have a bad date. Even the lady missing teeth last September passed as a good date overall, but I was exerting a lot of energy to ensure that was the case. The main point being our compatibility should translate easily to a good date. The conversation has been great, consistent, but more intellectual than emotional. There are some areas where I could use some help in being grounded and creating lists. This is trying to say that there are areas that compliment.

Of note, my immediate past was affecting my current actions. I didn’t offer my number in reaction to Person#2. It is also worth noting expressing gratitude for our conversation which led to her asking me if I’d want to meet in person. I’m okay with this because I was ready for those steps but not too concerned with it happening on my timetable.

Person#2 I kind of flubbed this one a little bit in giving away my number too early following a confession about how they were deceived by their former partner. She has always wanted to be a mom and he didn’t. She was led-on for years until putting her foot down. I have a stipulation that some sort of depth be explored before a date and so this met the criteria. It was presumptuous. While I feel for her situation, video games being a common interest, I don’t know how much else is there.

Person#3 is a smattering of individuals who “flare up” into enjoyable conversation and then it may not get picked up again for a while.

Honestly, none of it really matters that much right now. It’s the middle of Gemini season where my birthday kicks off the season and then my nephew, best friend and grandfather also see birthdays in quick succession. If that weren’t enough, then moving to a different apartment sometime in July should garner a fair bit of priority.

The last key, the epiphany to all of this was realizing none of my relationships have been forever – why keep fooling myself with the fallacy that the next one could be *it.* I’ve already gained self-sufficiency in my own household. I understand that I will not always be in a relationship so I should socialize in different capacities. Moving will help with real-life socializing. At least more than I’m already experiencing. The best way to sum it up might be that my identity is now independent of my relationship status. I’m seeing and feeling the bigger picture.