Inspired by “Many Pity Parties”

The old entries have been mostly restored… I think.

It’s always kind of painful to read things that were written long ago because after having done therapy weekly for almost a year I just see… coverups, lies, B.S. to try and appease. It’s as if by writing something I will make myself believe it to be true – as long as the readers also believe it. If I write about this one person enough, and how much I L-O-V-E them it’ll be true! I suppose it’s just another avenue of offshoring my responsibility to take ownership of my feelings and values.

I stopped writing because for the life of me I could not loop in Twin enough to satisfy her magnetosphere of insecurity. I was made to feel guilty and ashamed that maintaining friendships through an online journal was taboo, illogical. I bought into it because I was living in the guise of having a comfortable and predictable life. I sold it to the reader as, “if you’re happy there’s no need to write!” BAH

Nah, that’s not really true either. It’s complex. Isn’t it always with humans? List of the reasons, not ranked in order of magnitude for this rediscovered vitality of mine:

1. My inability to identify what I value
2. The notion that I was looking at this titanic mid-life crisis coming, or it was arriving this long before 40 than several years after 40
3. Too many times Twin denied that I loved her after telling her, “I love you” and in front of our daughter and other accusations that were untrue
4. Not standing up and fighting for the friendships I truly did value, and if I couldn’t have those then there was no us.
5. Trying to establish a long-term relationship AND establish boundaries with my immediate family
6. Moving in together, moving too fast in our relationship.
7. Still coming of age, at 22 – Caveat being, we had baggage from our childhoods we needed to settle BEFORE finding commitment.
8. The purity of childhood and..
9. Aiming to be the best fatherly role model I can be to my daughter. I am fully aware that she will look to her mom her behavior while she’ll use me as a model for significant others.
10. Taking to abnormal behaviors to try and cope with the stress of the relationship: Borderline video game addition, experimenting with cigarette smoking, and crossdressing.
11. Finding peace and joy when she wasn’t around; so by extension, pushing her to be away anytime it was brought up.
12. Being made to feel like I was the only one at fault in our relationship.
13. Ignoring the interactions her parents had between one another.
14. Being rebellious and not reasonably considering any points nay-sayers had in the beginning.
15. I have to add this one, the helpless feeling of not wanting to be an enabler, so refusing a request which she went around anyway or enabling addictive behavior just so I could delay the verbal onslaught by 24-48 hours.
16. The -FEAR- of being alone. Turns out you can feel alone but not be the only one in the room.
17. Studying Self-Growth by way of Personality Type and my employer has us read and participate in workshops to cultivate positive culture

Thank you to anyone who took time out of their day to read this, I appreciate it. Take care and stay well!