Current… somethings.

For me, its not the blank page that is intimidating – it is the written page.

There are a number of things going on for me personally that I am working through. I am a little frustrated by my need to act but my ability to plan and commit to a decision is frustrating. Twin worked on getting my FAFSA stuff squared away… now I actually have to decide if I:

A1.) Stay the course, finish accounting or A2.) go into WGU for a 4-year degree that might have me possibly looking into something better than a clerical position. In this economy, that’s doubtful.
B.) Get into Information Technology. I could go for the 2 or 4 year and be doing something in an office 8-4 that isn’t clerical.
C.) Entertain something a little more blue-collar, such as electrical apprenticeship. That might not be for me, a lot of motivation comes from Twin’s dad being an electrical engineer and LG has no interest in continuing the family business.
D.) No action, and continue doing what I’m doing. I’m psychologically functional for the most part despite my vocational instability. Inactiona is common for me and often makes the decision on these more philosophical matters.

I have decided to pursue psychology largely on my own. I ponder often if there are any self-taught psychology professionals out there.

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Another thing is my mother and sister are back on good terms by their own accord, of course not to me. I do not put these moments of drama behind me so easily. My sister has hung out with Stephanie then both of us once since Thanksgiving. When they came for a visit in September (my mother and sister) my anger toward them wavered to pity for a second.  They are victims of their own perspectives, where as Twin and I are more proactive (thanks to Twin obviously) and we get to learn all this home-care stuff because we want to.

I am of the mind that the cycle will repeat itself. I think the relationship will be sabotaged in one way or another, or there will be a dramatic event that I react to differently than my sister thinks I should.

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Due to both of the aforementioned subjects, I come across something that has been a sticking analysis with me lately – behavior modeling. In my life, I have always wanted to be a good role model. I’m not sure what that stems from, but I have always been the oldest if not one of the oldest kids in my class. I latch onto any sense of duty given to me or overly rationalized to be defficient by me.

If it’s not modeled behavior that I’m pointing out, then I might acknowledge that the subconscious has a lot of power over what many believe to be conscious decisions. In order for things to become subconsious, they have to pass through your consciousness so there can be some manipulation as to what you allow to become background thought. I recognize to do this that you have to manipulate your willpower and that can be achieved through whatever mode of learning works best for you… or maybe its whatever simply works best for what you’re trying to achieve (learned through experimentation).

Anyway, subconscious behavior is enacted consciously by what behavior that has been modeled while a child. I want to read more about all of that, but haven’t taken the time and really intend to before Twin and I start a family which seems to be coming fast as we turn 29 next year and will discuss that then.