Bringing It All Together

I don’t presume myself to be important. In the context of society I’m just another individual that falls into an equivalent category of serfdom back in Medieval Europe. My upbringing lends itself to not feeling important since my mom’s opinion over-ruled just about everything. I wasn’t worth getting to know. I was able to assemble 4-6 friends throughout HS and a year or two after that who were nothing alike and the only common thread was me. They didn’t know me; just the other people I knew.

I did expend a lot of energy trying to explain who I was as a person to others. I think the internet culture maybe helps feed that because you have to write an "about you" blurb on any profile you create. In interviews, the first question is "Tell me about yourself."

Match that with my personal ability to adapt a response to what I think the person wants to hear and have it be 75% true… well, that’s confusing.

The above babble is related to my entry last week declaring I would be writing publically less often. I seemed to be conveying one thing to you while that isn’t really who I am. I’m not so self-assured. I think I just give that impression because in some ways that’s how I support Twin. I think. However, the idea of me is pretty fluid and is a tangle of ideals and rules that no one could understand. I often feel that other people are much more simple and easier to understand.

Coincidently, that subject ties into the question I asked yesterday. Those journals I have in storage are filled with self-discovery no matter how I react emotionally. I used my past writings at younger ages to dictate what path I took and questioned how I should adjust for the future. My angst over being lonely, misunderstood, and used lended itself to putting emphasis on romantic relationships. Combine that with the notion that emotions are pointless due to their fickle nature and its no wonder I get upset with my younger, less mature and developed self.

I don’t think my life is historically important outside of broad concepts. In the cases that matter, I am in the smaller percentage. My first GF lived 4 hours and 160 miles away. I went through HS leaving virtually no footprint on my school and educators… so on, so forth. I wouldn’t keep the journals for historical context. Due to my parents lack of curiosity about my journals (until Twin and I started dating) I don’t want to force my kids to read my crap. If they wanted to, the cliff notes would suffice.

Anyway, this is a lot of rambling and probably pretty confusing. I finished off with some philiosophical thoughts that maybe I should organize and post to that corresponding circle next week.