Big Fish or Big Ocean?

Sometimes I feel like a big fish…
…In a small lake. Or maybe a small fish in a large ocean.
 
I talk a lot about wanting to move into a new career. It doesn’t matter where I work I have always wanted to go in a different direction. At Emerald Downs, I just wanted to work in a place that wasn’t seasonal. I needed reliability. At Taco Time, I had to make more money. My dad fought with me and called said the money I made wasn’t “real money.” At Doxon, I had to get away from coworkers that didn’t match my lifestyle. My coworkers were getting drunk every night and most smoked weed habitually. I found that to alienate me to a high degree though I was able to disguise myself well and fit into the clique… on the outside.
My lack of reaching a higher point in the professional ladder is not due to lack of motivation. I do hesitate about getting back into school. That’s simply not because I dislike classes – I actually love classes. I dislike paying for them. I dislike employers discriminating against me because I want to invest time in my education. I am working on remodeling our house and yard. I have motivation to do plenty of things. I just can’t commit to one thing other than the love of my life.
I’ve been pretty consumed with this lately. I’m using a hammer to pound a pry-bar underneath some plywood with images of former bosses in my mind, repeating my parents judgements to summon the aggression I have felt at times. It started young with my mom poking fun at me, “he behaves like his body is a temple” while commiserating with extended family all of them puffing on cigarettes. Move on from that to Doxon as mentioned above where the guys went through a phase of running up to one another, lifting a leg or bending over to let out a wet fart and run off laughing. I have the intellect, drive, and curiosity to be more successful. It’s just a lack of commitment. I think soon I can make that commitment because I will run out of projects around the house, and staying at work here is going to drive me crazy. I love the stability, but I will miss the chance to start a new situation. I actually love the challenge of starting a new job with the aim being to learn faster than anyone else.
I believe I may come off as someone who is exceptional. I am more humble than that honestly, but it’s these work environments that lend itself to that outward impression or personal notion. Everyone has the right to be whomever they want. I have never wanted anyone to be like me. I am complacent, aloof, don’t complete projects, and I am a little too quick to anger. Not to mention I am shackled most of the time by the need for seclusion.
 
Otherwise, my life is chugging along. The demolition process continues in the Dining Room, Study, guest Bathroom, and Living Room. We are working with a landscaper that maintains grounds at the properties Twin’s boss owns. He’s going to spray the remaining Ivy and Blackberry today. Then it’s supposed to degrade the plants to a skeleton and make removal much easier. We can then work on leveling the back yard. We probably won’t have our patio this year which is okay. We are taking the time and money to do things right so they last 25+ years and we don’t have to worry about it until any possible children are much older and most likely not living at home. The house can then evolve with us.