The Fear

Man, is it me or is this site hell slow now? I havent written in here since the ‘new’ OD, but it took ages for this page to come up to write in!

Ive come to a realisation lately…. Im becoming a recluse. I mean, I dread the thought of other peoples company. I dont want to spend my time with anyone else (besides Kati of course), and it scares the shit out of me. I used to be the most outgoing person, used to bump into someone I knew every where I went, just had alot of fun and a free spirit. Nowadays I barely know anyone, my friends can be counted on one hand, and Im afraid to let people in. What happened? How did I get here? I dont even want to be around my family. It just doesnt make sense. I think I found comfort in Kati feeling a similar way, in the fact that she knew no one here, it allowed me to secretly be this way, but now she is blossoming and enjoying the company of others, of my family, and I just cant bring myself to do it. The thing is, I can SEE it happening before my eyes, so why cant I do something about it? I say that I will make a concious effort to be social, and sometimes I do, but I still get scared of every outing, of every encounter with people outside of work.

I really do need to do something about this, I know that it is just going to isolate me from the world even more, and eventually isolate me from my wife. I know that there is a great purpose for me here in this life, to be able to help other people, but first I need to help myself, and take my own experiences as lessons learned in the roadtrip with no destination that is life.

EDIT: I had a link to some pictures here, but felt that the entry was a little negative and the pictures positive, so I decided to start a new entry with the pictures 🙂