I told you so….

Day 3 and counting. I wanted to write in this diary every day once the baby was born so I had something to look back on for the brith of my first child, so I could really capture the feelings Im experiencing now when I look back. I had been thinking all day how I wanted to write a long sectioned entry detailing the first 3 days, but I now realise structure is a thing of the past for me. I just have to write a long blurb free from my usual editing and structure, just write from my feelings. I chose to write in here every day for a month for my 101 in 1001 because I knew it would be a challenge. What an understatement! Its amazing how there are a few things you are told throughout life, that you either dont believe or just cant grasp, but one day you have a turning point and realise they were right afterall, it happens to all of us at some point….. This is happening to me now! People would tell me that I would be tried and that having a baby would change my life. I wasnt naieve, I didnt think ‘that wont affect me’ I just nodded my head and said I know. But I didnt know. Day 3 and I am exhausted. I mean EXHAUSTED. I dont remember ever feeling a tiredness like this before. I have to think to realise what day it is. I have no concept of time. It is something people with children understand, people expecting or planning for children try to understand, and something people without children just dont understand. 3 days in and Im already sounding like an expert on parenting and the hardships. I know this is just the beginning, and there is LOTS more to come. The light at the end is knowing that for all the sacrifices and hardships, there are just as many rewards. Its just a hard thing to see right now. I have this baby who cannot communicate with me. She crys and there is usually nothing I can do for her, she needs her mum for a feed. Sometimes I can calm her by holding her to my naked chest, other times by holding her and walking around with her, but other times there is just NOTHING I can do, she needs mums breast. That is the hardest thing for me. I am the sort of person who wants to ‘fix’ everything, who wants to make everyone happy. I tell Kati to go and have a sleep, because I know if I am feeling this exhausted, I cant even imagine how she is feeling, having to feed her at all hours on top of the lack of sleep. 10 minutes later River starts crying and I just cant soothe her. I try to do the washing up while Kati sleeps because the kitchen is a mess, and River starts crying. The simplest of tasks now take so much longer. Yesterday I managed to hang out a load of washing, put another load out, change 2 or 3 nappies and do the washing up. That was the equivalent of a hard days work. I also found myself comforting River who was crying, and Kati who started to also cry from the emotions. I told Kati I want her to cry as much as she needs whenever she needs, because I want her to get it out and not let it build up till it gets overwhelming and most likely come out in an overwhelming emotional explosion while Im back at work and she is alone with River. Iknow that all I really need is some good sleep, its just been hard to adjust and to get that. Today we had the electrician here from 10am till about 2, then I had to go upstairs to talk to the landlady about the birth, then I had a mate and his wife come visit, then we had the midwife visit, then I tried to do some more washing up, then I cooked dinner, then I finished washing up and now Im here writing. Everything just seems that much more draining when you are tired like this. The thing is that every opportunity I get to possibly sleep, is an opportunity to get some chores done. My worry is if the chores dont get done then it will just get worse and worse. I guess its about time management and adjustment.

All that said, I wouldnt change it for the world, and I know that I just needed to get some emotion out, and that not all days will be like this, I’ve just got to ride the rollercoaster of family life and relish the highs and stick out the lows.

Sleep is waiting for me, and Im not going to leave her waiting