Controlled chaos

I’ve been feeling the need to write here again lately, even if I really have bnothing to say. It is funny how I am drawn here when I feel low, or need advice, or just want to vent, then I wont come back for a few days, few weeks, few months, on occassion years and yet other times I will write 3 times in one day.

I was reading one of my faves tonight, and I started to get sad. I started to relate to the pain she was having, and realised just how out of touch I had become with myself. I saw how she identified the problem, and released emotionally, and I realised that I have been holding my pain for so long. It didnt really start to show in full until I started noting back. The note was this:

"….I felt the pain in this entry, I just wanted to hug you, then I saw myself in it and it made me sad too. I saw the fact that I have no motivation to do anything good, and I saw the way you walked in past Lu barely able to give a smile…. And I saw myself… Everyday. I need life energy, I need essence. I need to get out of this job, I need to get all the bad/negative things out of my life."

I really DO feel a need for change lately, and I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, the means to an end, yet I know it is there in the distance, in the darkness just out of sight and reach. I know the only thing to get me there, to guide me there is myself. I need to be the sole traveller on the journey, I need to go on an unchartered journey to a place I have never been before…. I need to go within myself. I need to know myself. I need to understandf myself. I need to love myself. If I cant do any of those things, then how can anyone else get close to me or know me, when I dont even know myself.

We’ve been trying controlled crying with River lately, and its been driving me crazy! That kid has got a set of lungs on her! She just screams, and I really do mean scream, not whinge or cry or moan, but blood curdling, stop mudering me, screams! And I just feel so bad leaving her. It is really hard, Kati and I both know we have to do this if we want her to be able to go to sleep for herself, and to settle herself, but neither of us can bare it. There are times when it works, and the crying dies down and she sleeps and we are there for her to greet her when she awakes, but ther eis something about it that just goes against my instinct, like I shouldnt leave her to cry like that. Problem is if we keep going to her, she is learning that by crying she gets what she wants, she gets our attention. I think we need to ride it out and in hopefully not too long she will be putting herself to sleep, and know that when we put her in her cot its time to sleep and that crying wont be her way to get picked up and hugged and passed around.

I just wish for some peaceful nights for a change, OH to be able to sleep through the night…. but a distant memory.