Dear Santa…

 Dear Santa,

This year I would LOVE it for you to bring me a NORMAL guy that is WORTHY of my time. Someone I can laugh with- who will keep me on my toes, give me butterflies and make me feel like the most special girl in the world.

Here are some examples of what I do NOT want:

Kris  with a K~

Boring weirdass guy who barely talks and poses as a 2nd grade teacher . Makes me frightened that he has influence over America’s future in developing these children that are “learning” under him. Does not like the light and keeps his apartment almost completely dark. Could quite possibly be a vampire.  Never tried to kiss me after 5 dates despite the opportunity. Either not attracted to me or quite possibly could be gay. Has recently taken up stalking me at the gym.

Chris with a C~

A child stuck in the body of a 36 year old. Hobbies include drinking, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and frequenting bars so often that everyone knows his name.  Has not exercised in so long that you can clearly see the outline of his rib cage. Nice guy, but no ambition. Pet names he enjoys to call girls include “kitten” and “sweet cheeks”. 

Scott~

So metro that he has a watch to match each outfit- including a yellow one. Comes across as a generous guy before he heads out the door after meeting your guy friends who are stunned when he just leaves a $10 bill on the table as he goes. Then somehow seems shocked when you don’t want to go out with him anymore. Shares “joint custody” of his dog with his ex-girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is not normal either.

John~

Poses as a cute athlete. Is dumb as a doorknob. Could not spell to save his life.  Lives at home with his parents for no good reason and has no intentions of moving out any time soon. Still in school after 32 years. Rants about his crazy exes , then asks for  a “pros and cons list” of your date the next day.

Patrick~

Great guy to hang out with if you want to have a blast, not pay for anything, have hot makeout sessions, spoon all night, and not remember anything the next day.  More high maintenance than most girls – makes sure to keep up will all tanning sessions, manicures, and highlights. Looks so good naked that it leaves you feeling like an ugly cow when you wake up naked next to him (with a massive headache).  Tends to change personalities based on levels of alchol in his bloodstream.

Matt~

Short man that SE

EMS to have confidence until you see his huge car that obviously makes up for other “areas”  and realize that he wines more than most girls you know about not getting to spend enough time with you.  Does not seem to have many guy friends and will sit at home and do nothing if you are having a girls night, leaving you feeling guilty for not entertaining his night. Breaks off dates via text message on occasion.  Shows up so hungover at Thanksgiving (and the first time meeting your family) that he can’t even eat Turkey. Calls you after  you break up with him to ask “what he could have done differently”…

Need I go on? I think you get the point…

I promise I have been good this year!

~J~