Consider me Gone

Things with John and I are done. For my sanity and the fact that I don’t want to have to think it about it anymore I will try to sum it up in bullets:

* on Friday I was ready to end things, but had decided to give him the weekend to see where things went and if he made any effort. We talked Friday night- the last thing he said to me was “maybe we can meet up when I get off work- I will give you a call sweetie- talk to you later”
* then I did not hear from him again despite texts, phone calls, etc.
* on Tuesday (4 days later!) I had to pretty much “hunt him down” and called him from a co-worker’s phone where he finally answered
* a 7 minute talk/explanation from him included the comments “you’re an amazing girl, and I really care care about you and enjoy spending time with you but I just can’t be the man you need me to be right now” “I have some stuff going on that I need to take care of and I thought I could do it both but I can’t- maybe in a few weeks when I’ve taken care of it” “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and was going to call you but I didn’t know what to say” “no- it’s not that you required too much it’s just that I can’t be in a relationship right now”
 
So um…ya…
I have no idea what “stuff going on” even freaking refers to. Maybe this “stuff” is also what’s causing his problem in the bedroom? Or maybe it’s an easy excuse? And why did I have to hunt him down to talk? As of Friday (as far as the way he was acting to me) everything was fine! He wanted to see me Monday and Tuesday, I finally saw him wed, he missed me Thursday and Friday wanted to see me and was like “talk to you soon sweetie.” So WHAT CHANGED? What the HELL happened after our talk Friday?
 Why couldn’t he have just told me that he had “’stuff” going on? It’s not like waiting these 4 days even cleared up what the hell he’s talking about!
 
I guess what sucks the most is that I had been thinking about ending things and then inevitably he blew me off. Why? Maybe he sensed it coming? Maybe it was a coincidence? Maybe it was God interfering cause he didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to end it? All I know is that I’m sad. I’m hurt, I’m confused- and I wish I had more answers.
 
I heard this song on the way to work today and balled my eyes out- I know that only time will heal….
 
“Consider Me Gone” – Reba McEntire
 
Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin’ down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don’t wanna talk about it now.

What you’re not saying is coming in loud and clear we’re at a crossroads here…

If I’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If I’m not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we’re done
Let’s not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I’ve always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing I’ve ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin’ where you’re goin’ I start thinkin’ that we’re lookin’ we’re lookin’ at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty don’t you owe that to me…

If I’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If I’m not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we’re done
Let’s not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If I’m not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we’re done let’s not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.