Pissed Part 2

You guys are mind readers.  You’re right, I can’t have her come back again.  I stayed up all night dwelling on it all.  She’s gone.  I’m not going to even let her come today.  I’m going to come home at the same time she gets there, pay her, then Bryan will probably call her over the weekend and say we don’t want her back.  I’m not going to do it at the house with Emily there because I know she is going to get hysterical (the nanny) and possibly say things that will further tick us off and I just don’t want to deal with any of it.  
 
I am still SO angry.  Neglect IS abuse.  I can’t believe I even considered for a moment trying to remedy this with her.  We maybe haven’t been as clear about some of our expectations as time has gone by as we should have, but a nanny doesn’t need to be told not to neglect a child..to ignore her, not interact with her, not even watch her pretty much.  SO angry.  I trusted her with my baby.  It is hard to tick me off.  I am a pretty damn optimistic person.  Like I’ve said, you can total my car and burn down my house.  Those are just replaceable objects.  You don’t fuck with my kid.  My daughter DESERVES attention.  She should not be made to feel like an ignorable object in a room.  The thought of someone making her feel like that crushes me.  How long has this been going on?  How long has my daughter had to put up with this?
 
SO angry.
 
We pay more than twice as much as full time daycare to have a part time nanny.  Aside from the food allergies, do you know why we would do such a thing?  Because we wanted the absolute best for our daughter if we cant be the ones watching her.  This was supposed to be one-on-one attention with someone who was going to play, work on developmental things with her, earn her fucking money and do SOMETHING.  She is two years old.  She is a sponge.  She is learning so much and taking everything in.  Is this something that is permanently going to be part of her now, that she doesn’t ever actually remember, because I know she won’t, but shape her mind in some minute way that makes her think she’s ignorable and not worthy of attention?  
 
How dare her.  She posted this on Facebook last week:
"My day is made complete every time Emily looks at me with her biggest smile and says, ‘Hug, T!’  I just adore this little girl."  
 
Emily calls her T.  And I have never heard Emily say anything like that before to anyone.  It is a giant sham.  She’ll occasionally post photos of her smiling and all happy, like she’s actually interacting with her.  She fucking duped us.  She has come across as this perfect nanny who loves her with all her heart.  I would have thought everything was perfectly fine until we got that red flag of Emily’s voice being hoarse.  And I’ll never know what really happened or how long she cried to get that.  All I know is it will never happen again.  It would take a lot of crying for her to lose her voice.
 
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tion-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; “>As of this moment we have no childcare for Emily next week.  Bryan is going to call his aunt who lives near us, and we like very much, to see if she can help out at all.  I had all the drama at work a few months ago about my childcare being "inappropriate" so I’m keeping it to myself and I will call in sick a few days if I have to.  Bryan has three weeks off work after that and then we’ll need to figure out something for five weeks before my maternity leave.  I just have to believe something will work out.  We were going to try to put her in he drop-in daycare again, if they would take her, but Emily’s schedule has been for a very long time now to have Bryan bounce her to sleep for her nap right before he leaves for work.  If he took her to daycare instead, she wouldn’t nap.  I know it’s only temporary, but that would be miserable.  She needs to nap.
 
This is just lovely timing.  Why always the drama right before I give birth? Lol!  My poor sweet baby didn’t deserve this.  I have been the best mom I can be to her and I take her places every day and am very interactive with  her (taking her to her first little gym class tonight!) but that does not make it okay for her to be ignored and do nothing but play by herself the rest of the day.  It is going to take me a long time to get over this.  I feel betrayed.  How dare she misrepresent and LIE about how my child is cared for.
 
Oh, and I didn’t even add this part.  When I got home and asked what they did that day (knowing she was recorded), she told me she woke up from her nap a little early, at 1:20, but she didn’t eat lunch until 3:00. I didn’t think anything of it…until the video showed Emily waking up from her nap at close to 3:00 and then immediately eating lunch.  Why would she lie about that!?!?  To make it seem like she earned her money that day or something because she had to care for her longer? I don’t understand.  She goes on and on about how kids are her life, how she is a leader at her church group of kids, how it’s her passion and life mission and shit, rambles on and on about how much she’ll miss Emily so much over the weekend, blah-fucking-blah.  And it would all make me so happy to hear..like I was so lucky to have this attentive person interact with my child every day and be willing to work with our crappy schedule.  I felt like we hit the jackpot with her.  And we were good employers.  I have her a freaking Christmas bonus, got her chocolates on valentines day, a card on her birthday.  We have done nothing to deserve this.
 
Bryan and I seem to be going in different directions with our emotions about it today.  I’ve gotten more angry and he’s calmed down.  He wants me to wait a half hour to come home and see what she does in that little amount of time.  I said we’re firing her either way.  There is no way I will ever trust her again.  And it’s going to be hard enough going back to work after having Caden even if I was comfortable with the nanny, and there’s no way I would trust her with Emily AND an infant now.  No way in hell.  Emily can open the dishwasher, even when it’s locked.  There are knives in there sometimes.  She needs to be watched.  This is fucking ridiculous.
 
Bryan just heard back from his aunt and she can watch Emily next week except for maybe Tuesday, so that is great.  
 
What a week.  Had an awful child molestation trial at work where I had to sit three feet from a hysterically crying nine-year-old, unable to comfort her, had to get my car fixed which cost $1,300, got three hours of sleep <a href="x-apple-data-detectors://4″ x-apple-data-detectors=”true” x-apple-data-detectors-type=”calendar-event” x-apple-data-detectors-result=”4″>Tuesday night and last night because Emily’s sleep is going downhill and I’m not going to let my baby cry, and now this.  I’ve had to take deep breathes several times today and remind myself of how fortunate I am and that this too shall pass.  Also, I don’t want to stress Caden.  Everything will work out.
 
In fact, maybe it’s for the best.  Before we get a new nanny we will find cameras to install openly around the house (eyesore be damned) and we will know for sure that our babies are being properly watched after and cared for when we’re not there.  Maybe we won’t find someone super long term again..but it will work out.  And hell, Emily will be going to preschool soon enough and Caden will be there in the blink of an eye too.  We just have to get through some bumpy patches.
 
Wish me luck taking an exhausted Emily to a doctor’s appointment with me!  Oiy.