oops..=) Update.

Oh my goodness..I certainly didn’t intend to not write for so long! I started writing an entry about a hundred times it seems, then would get distracted and by the time I got back to it, it happened so long ago that I didn’t bother keeping it, lol. Silly, I know. But I’m back..hopefully writing a little more frequently. If not now, in five weeks when I go back to work I will be back regularly again.

So much has happened, obviously, but I’ll try and remember some key points. My babies are getting SO BIG!! I am so very happy in life right now. Man, the first two months since Caden’s arrival were a huge adjustment for me, mostly mentally and emotionally. He did end up having that colic phase that Emily had, just not as bad. But Emily had it the worst that any infant could have it I think, so just because Caden didn’t reach that level doesn’t mean it wasn’t trying. =) I would be happy if we had a total of one hour, cumulative, of him not crying while awake and not eating in one day. It was really hard. Honestly though, the fussy infant thing doesn’t really phase me anymore. I know how to help and I would happily spend my entire day soothing and calming him. BUT..this time I had a toddler. One whom I love very much and had been used to 100% of my attention all the time when I was home. THAT was the hardest part. She told me she was sad a few times and that literally ripped my heart in two. 
 
Fortunately, we’re all adjusting well now and things feel like they are finally starting to click. It’s still really difficult, but Caden isn’t as fussy now, we have more of a routine and I know what his patterns are, and Emily is realizing she may not have 100% of my time, but she does still get a lot of one-on-one time and I always pay attention to her and listen to her, even if I’m changing Caden’s diaper or feeding him or giving him a nap.  I took her outside today, just her and I, for a good two hours, then when I had to go in and feed Caden, Bryan just switched with me and she was able to play outside even longer. And the crazy part is she isn’t jealous and doesn’t blame Caden at all. In the beginning she used to ask us to put him down when she wanted our attention, but that didn’t last long. And she’s so sweet to him. Honestly, for the most part she doesn’t pay that much attention to him. She just goes about her day. But she kisses him good night every night and has never tried to hurt him or said anything mean about him. I am SO thankful for that.
 
Before I forget, I want to write his two-month stats. They surprised me! I struggled with breastfeeding with Emily. I was obviously new to it, had to use the nipple shields, she wasn’t gaining weight and we had to take her for a bunch of weight checks. With Caden, he ate like a champ from day one. Never had to go back for subsequent weight checks or anything..tons of pee and poo diapers. He even looks like he’s gaining well to me, even if he is on the thinner side. He’s obviously getting bigger and he’s always had a ton of energy, good neck control, etc. So I was shocked when he was in the 4th percentile for weight!! He was 9lbs 15oz (technically only .3oz away from 10lbs) and 24 inches tall. Emily was 9lbs 2.5oz and 22 inches tall at two months. So he is very long and skinny! I think we just make little babies. =) 
 
He is doing great now though! I *really* don’t want to jinx this, but I’ll write about it anyways. The main reason why he’s so much easier than Emily was as an infant is he actually sleeps at night! I was reading back in my old entries from when Emily was his age, and she was literally sleeping half hour to hour and a half stretches all.night.long. That was so hard..especially with her screaming and crying all day and then getting zero break at all from it at night and being completely sleep deprived. Caden has always slept pretty well. There was one week where he woke up every two hours and that felt tough, lol. He usually gives me a 5 hour stretch followed by a two hour one, then it’s up in the air. Once in a blue moon he’ll sleep a 7 hour stretch and then a two! So it’s not like I’m getting a lot of sleep, but it’s so incredibly DOABLE, you know? It was so freaking devastating not knowing how to help Emily and eventually having to resort to methods of crying it out, which I swore I’d never do. I can understand, now having a baby that actually sleeps, why people are so utterly appalled that someone would do CIO. If Caden was the only baby I’d experienced, I would say it’s torture and lazy parenting and blah, blah, blah. But having experienced a child who would literally only sleep an extremely broken seven hours of sleep for an ENTIRE DAY (including naps!!) for months at a time, I feel otherwise. I truly hope Caden keeps up the good sleep. Hell, even if he did the two-hour wakeups all night long, I think I could do that and not resort to crying it out.
 
On that note..I am going to completely pat Bryan and myself on the back here for a moment, because I am so proud of how we ended up handling her sleep issues and how it’s turned out. We did do a form of assisted CIO when she was little, and it didn’t really help that much, but it got it to where she could sleep a little longer at a time. We ultimately resorted to the one thing that always calmed her: bouncing on the exercise ball. It wasn’t so silly when she was little..but when she was two, and then finally two and half, and we’re bouncing this long, 20lb KID in our laps, breaking our backs, it was a little crazy. That being said, in February of last year, right around the time I became pregnant with Caden, we decided to try and ditch the ball dependence and get her to fall asleep in bed with me. Disaster. Crying and fighting sleep for h.o.u.r.s. and all sorts of not happening. So back to the ball she went. 
 
I can’t emphasize to you enough how much it hurt to bounce her at two and half years old though, lol. We’re talking at least a half hour for bedtime..sometimes an hour or more, then if she woke up at night that’s the only way she would stop screaming. I wonder how many days we’ve bounced on an exercise ball in hours, lol. A lot. So before Christmas we decided we were going to try and transition her to a toddler bed. I was *so* nervous and I was sure it would be a mess and she would BEG for the ball, like she always does. So we were at my mom’s for two weeks before and during Christmas. Every chance we got we would say how she’s getting a big girl bed like Jack and Samantha, and everyone acted so happy and excited for her. I think that helped the most. It was this huge deal and she knew that everyone she loved thought it was this great thing that was going to happen when we got home. The day we left my mom’s, we deflated the exercise ball and said goodbye. We got home and converted her crib to a toddler bed and she was SO excited! I was so worried for bedtime though. I just knew, even though she was so happy, when it finally came down to it, she would scream and cry to be bounced to sleep. But that didn’t happen! She was ready. =)
 
So yeah, maybe we are ridiculous in some people’s minds and spoiled her or whatever, but if I could go back I would do it all exactly the same. I actually look forward to bedtime now!! It is so easy! It didn’t go smooth in one regard though. We started out with the crib turned into the daybed, but she would end up on the floor (silently..which was weird) and we kept having to go and put her back in bed. I was having a heart attack that she would hurt herself crawling out of bed or falling, so we just moved the mattress to the floor and I bought foam bumpers to put around it. That worked okay, but she would still end up on the floor since the foam bumpers were just next to the mattress and couldn’t fit under the sheet. Her crib ultimately turns into headboard and footboard for a full-sized bed, so we just went ahead and bought a full-sized bed since the bumpers fit under the sheets, and now it’s perfect!! She stays in bed every night now, and has for a few weeks. =) I’m still too afraid to put the box spring under it in case she does decide to try and get out again..but we’ll get there eventually. She tells complete strangers in the grocery store about her big girl bed. =) So, so very happy about this. She seems SO big to me now. *le sigh*
 
And talking up a storm. I feel like she’s a genius just because I’m shocked at the developmental leaps she’s made in just a few months, but when we go to her dance class (I’ll get to that) most of the other kids seem on the same level. She just comprehends to much. It’s crazy. And we’ve never had one of those moments of frustrated communication (YET) where she can’t tell me what she wants or can’t get across what she’s feeling or saying. It’s like..we just talk to each other now and understand each other. Craziness!! She can sing her ABCs, not perfectly, but really damn good I think, can count to 20, knows all her colors, a few shapes. There is one thing that bugs me a bit. We take her to The Little Gym classes twice a week now. It’s like a dance/activity/gym class for little kids in her age range. Granted we’ve only gone a few times..but the other kids are all off playing away from their parents, doing the activities by themselves, and Emily only wants to do them if we’re right there, or not do them at all and just do her own thing. Like there’s this exercise they do where they climb up a ramp and then jump down on the mat. Every single kid can do it, but Emily refuses to jump without holding my hand. And even then it’s more like a big step, lol. It’s funny because she seems like such a confident, independent little kid to me so often, but she is very co-dependent on us I see. Which isn’t a horrible thing, of course, but I want her to be able to play by herself and enjoy doing things herself too. It will come with time, I suppose. =)
 
Speaking of dance class, I scheduled them during times that both Bryan and I could go, or one of us could take Emily and the other stay home with Caden, because having both of them there seems impossible. So guess what I’m doing tomorrow? Taking both of them by myself, of course, lol. I really don’t want Emily to miss a class she enjoys just because I can’t man up and feel a little overwhelmed for an hour. Bryan has some training all week, so his hours are a lot different. I’m dreading the next few days..but oh well. My mom will be here Thursday and Friday, so I really only have to do like two and half days by myself with two kids. =) I’m such a pansy, lol!
 
And now, the reason why my mom will be here. I am getting my tubes tied on Friday!! I know I wrote about how conflicted I was before I had Caden, but my family is complete now and I know that for certain. And it’s not about having a challenging infant or any of that. Having had the hardest infant in the world, colic wise (Emily), and seeing how beautifully she’s come out the other side, I know I could live through that many more times if I wanted. But it’s the division of time that has sealed the deal. And I know, too, that that won’t be as challenging in the future as well. But I will always have to split myself between the two in a way. I know I can’t split that time again and be a happy parent. I can be the parent I want to be this way and give them a lot of personal time and attention. I don’t want another. And on a more selfish note..I don’t want to start over again. The days of sleeping until I’m actually rested or going on a date night or just doing something for myself is in sight again. The time isn’t going to be reset by another baby. =) And I just turned 31 less than three weeks ago. I never wanted to have children in my 30s to begin with, but my fertility issues didn’t give me that choice.  I am very at peace with the decision and am looking forward to having it over with and moving on in life. There’s no way I’m going to regret only having the two beautiful babies that I have.
 
ALSO, in two weeks we will be in MAUI! =D Something I also don’t think would happenwith three children, lol! It’s not going to be as relaxing as it could be with two little kids, but dammit we’re going to have fun! And Emily is at such a great age for that kind of thing. She will love the beach and the pool and activities. And Caden is in such a good routine (and is always quiet if I stick a boob in his mouth..HA!) so I’m really not worried about how he’ll do. I foresee sitting in a cabana at Black Rock with him napping on me, Bryan and Emily playing in the sand or water in front of me. You just watch, I will get that picture. =) I think the airport shuffle will be the hardest part of it all. 
 
Emily always seems to pleasantly surprise me in those kind of situations though. We were at Bryan’s grandpa’s funeral this past Friday and she sat next to us, calm and quiet, just listening to what was being said and watching the slideshow of pictures..and it was like 45 minutes! We even had her iPad all ready for her to play games or watch movies, which she did for a little bit, but mostly she just sat there listening. Let’s hope five hours stuck in an airplane is similar. =D Very sad about Bryan’s grandpa though. We were actually headed home from mom’s after visiting for Thanksgiving when we got the call that he wasn’t going to be with us much longer. We had a million errands we needed to run, but we dropped it all and headed straight from the ferry to his retirement home to say goodbye. He passed away the next day. Bittersweet, really. We had visited him a few days before Caden was born and he just wasn’t himself anymore. Just four years ago, at his 90th birthday, he was still all there. But he had a stroke last year and it just went down hill fast. But 94 amazing years, four children, a lot of people who loved him..It’s the kind of life all of us would be happy to have lived, I think.
 
Anyways..not too much else to catch up on. I feel like it’s going to get real hectic when we get back from Hawaii on the 9th. I’m going to post an ad for a nanny right before we leave, hopefully get some good responses while we’re over there and set up some interviews for when we get back. I am so, so nervous about this just because of our past experience. I know having the cameras in open view and being able to watch real-time makes a huge difference..but I just feel nervous.  It’s hard for me to watch the two of them alone myself, yet I want to see this stranger do it with ease and perfection, lol.   Know what I mean? =) Bryan actually has another week of training the week before I go back to work, so I was wanting the nanny to come that whole week during the day and help me, and that way I can also show them what I like and don’t like, the way I handle certain things, routines with the kids, etc. Fingers crossed.   I also need to start power pumping leading up to my return, and I was hoping to start Emily on the path to potty training as well. There’s a CD I was going to purchase and then hopefully begin when we get back from vacation, that way I’ll be home every day for it. I feel like transitioning her to a big girl bed was so huge that I don’t want to do too much at once and overwhelm her though. She has a huge life adjustment with Caden coming, then a whole new sleeping arrangement, and now potty training? We’ll see. It has to get done eventually, especially since I would really like her to go to preschool this year! It pretty much entirely depends on if I can get her potty trained before then. I will sign her up if she is, I won’t if she isn’t. I would much rather her spend the time at school learning and socializing than at home with a nanny. She is taking all these changes so well though. My little girl. <3
 
I have a million more things to write, but I won’t post it if I keep going, so I’ll leave it there. If anyone has a specific question I will answer it, lol! I have a million pictures as well, obviously. I’m going to post this to OD and Prosebox, but I don’t know how to do pictures at Prosebox yet so I will just leave those for another day. Or you can add me on FB and see a ton of pictures all the time. =)
 
~Sheralyn