Better.

Thanks for all the support, guys. =)

I am feeling much better now.  Still a little spotting, but nothing major. I found the heartbeat again yesterday, so it’s not my body miscarrying a baby that’s already gone which is nice to know.  I was worried I wouldn’t find it before my appointment tomorrow and end up learning there was no heartbeat there, so at least I know that won’t be the case unless something happens between today and tomorrow.
 
I don’t mean to make it sound trivial or less of a disorder because I’m using the term this way, but sometimes I feel like I have PTSD flashbacks about the miscarriage and my whole first pregnancy.  My head goes straight there when I think anything bad is happening with pregnancy.  When I went to the bathroom and saw the brown spotting, I swear I sat there for a minute and it was like I could see myself wearing the pajamas I was when I began to miscarry and how they were soaked in blood.  I even remember the pattern of the blood.  It’s disturbing.
 
I just remember every single tiny detail.  I honestly wish it could be erased from my mind.  I hate reading my old entries right before it happened too…I don’t know why I do it.  It’s like a compulsion.  The worst part is when my water broke and I didn’t know that’s what was going on.  I end the topic about it with one word.  "Weird". I just want to scream at myself every time I read it..not that I should have know or could have known.  Even if I did figure it out, nothing would have stopped what happened.
 
So, yeah, pregnancy is just a bit emotional for me. =) Just taking it week by week at this point, but the closer I get to 14 weeks the more I think the same thing will happen again.  Because its not like there was any warning.  I had seen him on ultrasound just days or a week before and everything was fine.  Just have to keep my chin up and hope for the best.
 
Let me tell you though, you should never contemplate whether you’re going to have more children again when you’re pregnant, lol.  I’ve been thinking for a while now how I’m pretty sure I want three children, but I’m doubting right now whether I can do this again!  In fact, when I first started spotting I was thinking that it I lose this one I can’t do this again any time soon and would want to wait a year or something.  Who knows how I’ll feel later though.  Not a decision to make with all these hormones running crazy. =)
 
I actually had energy yesterday and felt pretty good!  I came home early and tried to get Emily dressed so she could play outside but she just wanted to stay inside, which was strange.  She usually likes going out.  I bought her a bunch of new puzzles that she really likes playing with right now though, so we just had a chill day inside.  She has a sea animal puzzle (by puzzle I mean animal shapes that fit in their animal shaped hole) and she can do that all by herself now, so I bought her an ABC puzzle hoping that would get the ball rolling learning the alphabet, and I think it’s helping!  It’s a pretty difficult puzzle for her to get the pieces into so far, but she tries very hard and loves encouragement.  I always clap when she gets one in and she loves it and tries to get others in for the reaction, lol.  So far she can recognize W now because she can get that one in easy, lol.  I’m glad I found something that peaks her interest though because just singing ABCs or writing them out, she wasn’t interested at all. 
 
<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); “>It took her about an hour and a half to fall asleep last night and I was frustrated but kept my cool.  I don’t know why she goes through this phase!  It’s like one week out of every two months she doesn’t eat well and her sleep goes to shit.  It’s probably related to a growth spurt or something, but man is it annoying!  At least once she goes to sleep she stays asleep now.  That’s a big improvement and I’ll take whatever I can get, lol.  We are doing my birthday trip at Great Wolf Lodge next month and I was talking to my mom yesterday and she was saying she could put Emily to sleep for us if we wanted to go out one night…but I know I just won’t be able to do it, lol.  First of all I don’t want to subject my mom to that!  And it can be *very* tricky to keep track of her in the dark and hold on to her sleep sack so she doesn’t bolt off the bed and hurt herself like she tries so very hard to do.  She’s used to putting Jack and Samantha to sleep which just doesn’t take long now.  I think when she’s an hour into it with Emily and no end in sight, she might start wondering what to do, lol.  Plus, no one ever puts her to sleep but me.  She might just cry.  And I’m just honestly not going to have a good time out with all of that possibly going on.  I’m still very excited for the trip though!!  It is going to be so much fun. =) And you know, we could always go out for a lunch date when Emily goes down for her nap!  That would work perfectly.  I’ll have to suggest that instead. =)
 
Emily did FaceTime with my mom yesterday and was SO excited to see her, lol.  She loves her Kammy.  My mom is hopefully going back into retirement soon too, so I’m thinking we’ll see more of each other again when that happens.  I was always so glad my family was only here hours away because that doesn’t sound too far, but it’s been a huge obstacle, much more than I thought it would.  If we leave Friday after I get off work we don’t get there until really late, then we only get one full day there before having to turn around and go home.  So I’ve been waiting for three-day weekends and holidays, but that is so few and far between.  I think we just need to bite the bullet every few weeks and leave on Friday.  Emily loves spending time with my family and I love the bond she has with her cousins and I don’t want to lose that!
 
Anyways, that was long.  I’m finding lots of ways to distract myself from being pregnant lately, so bear with my rambling. =) My appointment is at 8:00am tomorrow, which is just great since Emily usually gets up at 8:30.  She never seems to mind getting up early though, lol.  Girl loves to miss out on sleep.  So that should be interesting.  I have to shave tonight for my exam since I haven’t had the energy to do it in weeks…lol.  I’m hopeful that everything will look fine, I just want it to Stay fine.  Will be great to finally see there baby for the first time!  I’m excited about that. =)
 
~Sheralyn