3 weeks! And a mommy fail. =(

The kiddos are napping, so I have a minute to write!  

It was a tough week..with one huge, giant mommy fail.  I had a lot of tough days when Emily was an infant and I remember crying with her at night many a times, but that hasn’t been the case at all this time.  This time the baby isn’t hard at all..it’s juggling two children.  And the lovely guilt that comes with it.  

 

I’ll get the giant mommy fail out of the way now.  Emily is still great with Caden.  Before he came along I was so focused and worried about how she would behave towards him and jealousy and all that stuff, but that hasn’t been a problem at all.  She is usually very well behaved and I’ve always said she’s a great toddler, but she’s started testing boundaries now that she’s figured out when mommy is sitting and feeding the baby, she doesn’t actually get up and stop me from doing something.  So she has a piggy bank that we fill with coins and one of her favorite things to do is take them out and put them back in.  She does it every day, many times a day..knows the difference between pennies and dimes and nickels and quarters, etc.  Before Caden came along she tried to put a coin in her mouth once and the coin and the pig got taken away.  She got the hint and never tried again, so it never turned into an issue.  So I was feeding Caden day before yesterday and he was super fussy that day just out of the blue (he’s been fine ever since..just one of those days) and Emily was playing on the floor across the room with the pig.  I was talking with her and she looks at me and pretends to put a coin in her mouth and I say no.  She keeps pretending and eventually does it and I tell her the pig is going away.  She just smiles..because she knows I can’t get up right that second and take it.  So I’m sternly telling her to take the coin out of her mouth and she is clearly refusing.  I unlatch Caden and go to put him in his bouncer so I can take the coins, when she clearly swallows the coin and starts gagging.  I put Caden on the floor and run over to her.  She could still breath, but it sounded strange.  I thought she had swallowed it all the way for a moment, then she starts heaving and I start beating her on the back, all with Caden screaming on the floor in the background.  Sheesh..tears are filling my eyes thinking about it.

 

The nickel flies out of her mouth, thank god, but she was hysterical, as she should have been.  So there I am, just having beaten a coin from my daughter’s throat, her crying and needing love and an infant screaming on the floor.  What was I supposed to do!?  So I’m hugging her and holding her and trying to scoot over to Caden to calm him down..*sigh* It was an hour before Bryan was to be home from work and I called him crying and asked him to please just come home, and thankfully he did.  It was a baaad day, needless to say.  The damn coins are gone and we ordered plastic half dollars (too big to swallow) so she can still play with the damn piggy bank. *sigh*

 

Yesterday was great for the most part, but I still had a moment.  We went to the library and it was great.  They had story time and she interacted with other children and it was a nice two hours out of the house.  Caden slept the whole time in the Nuroo!  We get home and Emily wants to play downstairs with her new train table, so I sit on the couch in front of it to feed Caden and watch her play.  Of course ten minutes later she wants to play on the stairs, *sigh*.  She always listened when I told her no before. = Anyways, I raised my voice at her when she kept climbing them.  I get up and we go upstairs (against her will because she didn’t REALLY want to go up the stairs if course), and I continue to feed Caden.  Her high chair is facing the fireplace and pulled up against the tile to deter her from climbing in it.  So guess what she tries to do..climb in it.  And I’m trapped beneath a baby and I tell her no..so she looks at me and smiles and keeps trying to climb it.  I yelled at her.  I’ve raised my voice before of course, but not very much.  It was the first time I actually yelled.  I got up and settled Caden in his bouncer and apologized and went over how she needs to listen so she doesn’t get hurt..but oh I cried after that.  I can’t believe it came to me yelling at my baby. =(

 

So, I’m struggling with the balancing act still and I have a ton of guilt for not being able to be the mom I was to Emily still, and not giving Caden as much attention as Emily got when she was a baby.  I know it will get easier, but it’s just been challenging.  I have a countdown going.  Bryan only works two days next week because of the thanksgiving holiday, then the following week is his last week of work before having a month off.  I just need to last those few days by myself and then I’ll have help every day for a while..and maybe when he goes back to work in January we’ll be in a different groove and it will just be easier.  That’s what the hope is, at least. =)

 

Our elliptical was delivered yesterday!  I’m excited to start using it, but I’m not sure I’m supposed to exercise yet.  I don’t want to overdo it any more than I already have and then add pain to my problems.  I might just wait until my six-week appointment and see what he says.

 

And like I mentioned before, Caden seems to like the Nuroo!!  Thank god. =) I’ve only put him in it while he’s sleeping, but he stays asleep in it at least!  So I was able to play with Emily at the library and read to her and just have Caden snoozing away in the carrier, which was really nice.

 

Headed to my mom’s tomorrow..so wish me luck that a 3+ hour trip with two kids by myself doesn’t kill me, lol.  Caden generally sleeps in the car seat and Emily never cries in the car anymore, so I’m mainly just worried about the ferry ride and Emily flipping out that we’re not getting out.  I figure I’ll need to feed Caden to have him last the rest of the trip to my mom’s and that would be the perfect time, but I know Emily won’t be happy about it. = Fingers crossed it works out okay.

 

Caden turns three weeks old yesterday!  Time is flying.  I was looking at him today and thinking, wow, you were just in my stomach, little guy!  Isn’t that amazing?  He’s still itty bitty (newborn diapers and clothes are still the perfect fit even though he must be 8lbs by now) but I can tell he’s growing.  He eats like a champ during the day and still sleeps very well at night.  He’s the perfect baby, really, lol.  I can’t imagine having the same kind of infant as Emily was and having another child at the same time. Ugh. Last night he woke up when Emily did, around 3:30am (she’s teething those molars hardcore) and I was able to feed him and back to sleep he went.  I was mad at Bryan (don’t want to get into it..doesn’t matter) and I just couldn’t sleep, so I stayed awake until everyone got up a little after 9am.  I don’t feel tired at least.

 

But Caden is definitely a sleeper.  He sleeps a ton during the day a

nd I always think he won’t be tired at night, but he always is.  For this I am thankful. =)

 

I said I’d post pics but I haven’t gotten around to dumping my camera yet, so here’s just a few more: (and now the new Photobucket is super confusing and doesn’t look like the links are working.  If they don’t show up I’ll post them again another time.)

 

 

Yesterday at three weeks:

Two more from the photo shoot:

 

Emily likes to touch his nose and say "boop!!, lol