A letter seeking guidance

I wrote the following letter to a man named Joe. He is a member of the catholic church that I grew up in and has been highly influential in my life. So I am asking him for advice and confiding in him somewhat:

am sorry that it has taken me this long to reply. I had to get my thoughts in order.

 Joe, what is it to feel called? Is it what I’m feeling? That feeling of desire to serve in every portion of my life? When I’m in church I am so moved. I start to get tears in my eyes the moment I touch the Holy water. My chest feels dense and I can barely sing because I feel such a deep emotion. It happens to me in any setting. Recently I went with my friend Suleiman Alkalifah to his Mosque. It was beautiful. It was so simple, everyone sat on the floor and listened and sang a little. The message was to totally dedicate yourself to serving God and not to deny opportunities to do good. It resonated with me. I had little tears running down my face, happy tears, happy that I could identify so fundamentally with another faith. One of the women used the tail of her scarf and wiped away a tear, and held my hand. It was an amazing moment for me. I want to embrace these things. To feel and express love to all peoples. What is that feeling? It isn’t the same as when I just wanted to do good, like in highschool, it’s a much stronger desire. It’s not just wanting to be good and do good, it’s wanting to spread love. To tell people that love is good and strong and offer that love to them. Is that what feeling a vocation to the priesthood feels like?

What if it is? What can I as I woman do about it? Why is it still that a woman can not apply? Am I not just as loving as a man? Do I not think and meditate as much as a man would? Do have less potential to be close to God than a man has? Must I cut out my uterus to insure that I won’t be tempted by the flesh? That was a bit dramatic, but I’m sure you get my meaning.

Today in Greenville I went to Mass at St. Peter’s church. I was so mad. This priest was completely self serving and overly self indulgent. The gospel was the story of the five loaves and the two fish. He didn’t talk about that though- he talked about how good he is. How wonderful he’s been. He listed the things he’s done in the past week as a testament to his holiness. And constantly inserting throughout mass "Bishop Burbidge personally blessed this" "Bishop burbidge gave this to us" "Bishop burbidge complimented this" WHAT IS THAT??? Where is the humility? Where is the privacy? Isn’t your intimacy with God a private affair not meant to be bragged on?  And all this talk about the devil and exorcisms. "I’ve watched several exorcisms."  "I believe that the devil tries to take us away from God" "I’m sure that the devil is very angry with me because of all my good works" Fine fine, but why is all of this in one homily?  I finally became fed up when he said that you can’t be a true christian in the eyes of God if you disagree with the church at all. Historically speaking with 20/20 hindsight, I’d say that disagreeing with the church from time to time is a pretty traditional Christian practice. and Healthy.

Maybe I’m not being called. Because I sat there thinking that if I were a priest I would never ever do or say such things. Maybe I’m not humble enough myself. But then what is it that affects me so much? Why is it such a constant experience? (Today’s experience excluded) Can you help? Or provide any insight?

Anything would be appreciated

meG

I’ll post his reply whenever it comes.

kiss the frog!