update

I did not GIVE birth, yet feel like I did. I think part of this shock is how fast everything happened. Picture it this way: you and your partner are planning to adding to your family, having another baby. You are "trying" to get pregnant….and voila! all of a sudden one day, there’s a newborn in your house! No time to warm up! No 9 months to mentally adjust! 

We got in last night around 9:30. Met and chatted with the birthmother for about 45 minutes. She. Is. Awesome. So together, so mature, so compassionate. She was, of course, a little teary and actually said, "I need to stop, I don’t want to make you and Art uncomfortable."

What?! We told her it’s ALL about her for the next few days, don’t even THINK about us! I mean, she’s doing probably one of the hardest things in a woman’s life to do and she’s worried about US? 

She’s 22 but mature way beyond her years. We hit if off and the conversation went well and flowed easily. My nervousness disappeared as soon as we walked into her room.

We went down to the nursery/labor & delivery floor around 10:15’ish and met the baby. The birthmother who I’ll call CiCi (NOT her real name) went back to her room and Art and I did as best we could to get settled in the hospital room.

We’d been driving for 7 hours and were wiped out, so we let the baby stay in the nursery for the night. The room, in fact, this whole hospital, is more like a luxury resort than a hospital. It’s beautiful! And the room is amazing. The staff is also going above and beyond. They are treating me like any other new mom on this floor, even though I didn’t actually give birth.

We have a private room (all the rooms are private) with our own bathroom and access to this little kitchenette with snacks and drinks. Art and I got "banded" to match the baby’s wrist and ankle bands.

(side note: I have to say, so far, everyone I’ve met here has been super nice. It’s a Southern thing I guess. And speaking of Southern, the accents here in Richmond are just lovely to hear)

So, I slept really well because I was so tired. Woke up at 6:00 a.m., took a shower and got the baby, fed her a bottle. She’s a tough eater, she doesn’t take to the nipple well and doesn’t suck well, but she’s getting the hang of it (Lexi ate like a champ from her first bottle! Lexi was also awake/alert many hours, this baby, when not eating, is sleeping).

Art woke a little later and got us breakfast. Got a call from my parents that Lexi was upset, spoke to her on the phone and she’s crying and begging me to come home. Cue MY crying fit. I was sobbing. So, Art went up to Jersey to get her (he was going to do this anyway, but not until tomorrow afternoon). He’ll bring her and my mom back to Virginia tomorrow and I can see my sweet girl!

I don’t know what this guilt is….but I feel so guilty about taking care of the baby, doing all the newborn things with her I did with Lexi. I feel like "hey, that’s Lexi’s! I’m Lexi’s MOM!" Is this normal with a second child? Does this fade?

And I’m panicking that I won’t be able to handle two and mourning for the special time Lexi and I had.

So, I’ve been alone in the hospital room with the baby (Art’s headed back to Jersey) all day and just crying off and on ALL DAY. All day. And I just feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. So, even though I didn’t give birth and don’t have hormones swirling through me like crazy, I am feeling and acting like I do!

How can I have this post-partum mini depression when I never had a "partum" to be post from! 🙂

And it’s just this cycle: I feel guilty and sad about Lexi, then start to feel guilty and sad about the baby as I’m not giving her my 100% like Lexi got as a newborn. And I cry.

So, after dinner tonight I put the baby back in the nursery so I can have some down time as I’ll be alone with the baby all day tomorrow too, until Art, Lexi and mom get here, around 5:00’ish. I’m gonna read for awhile and then go to bed, I’m SO tired.

It’s not bad I put the baby with the nurses…..right?