Already Medicated

Well, since we lost the baby last month, I’ve been extremely depressed.

It’s, all of a sudden, a lot of stuff happening that’s just got me in a funk.

Anyone been there?

My life was going along happily and then-BAM-the Virginia situation, which opened the door to another situation that’s just adding to my sadness.

Getting "the call" and heading down to VA with such high hopes, having that little baby and falling in love with her and then, out of the blue, she’s gone is hard.

And not many in the non adoption world really gets it. There are no sympathy cards, no closure, no one bringing meals and casseroles to the house. In fact, aside from one or two (real life) friends, no one has really said anything to me.

Not, "I"m sorry." "That sucks" "How can I help?" or even just offered a hug. It’s as if because I didn’t give birth to the baby, our loss "doesn’t count." 

People have said things like "Well, it wasn’t the baby for you." and "Oh, that’s a shame. On to the next one!"

Would you say that to someone who had a miscarriage!?

I know this will fade in time, but I do keep thinking of the baby. Sunday will be her one month birthday. Just as I know the birthdate/birthday of the baby I did miscarry and remember it every year, I think I will do with this one too.

Having had both a miscarriage and an adoption loss I’m finding it emotionally more difficult with the adoption loss.

So, that’s got me sad. And that sadness starts my brain getting all worked up with: "we’ll never get picked. we’ll never get a baby."

And, really?! I mean, after God provided beyond measure with Lexi, I can’t trust Him to do it again! Where’s my faith!? 

Before the loss, Art was making arrangements for us to wire the money for the adoption agency. In the process of that, he "discovered" we don’t nearly have as much as we thought in our portfolio.

Due to a combination of the stock market just crapping out and Art being so overwhelmed with work that he didn’t really analyze our monthly statements closely and Art’s business not doing well at all….we are way below where both of us feel comfortable. In fact, way below the limit that we agreed on would be time for me to go back to work full time/not adopt again.

But we want to adopt again. And Art wants me home with Lexi/baby #2.

We have enough for that. And then, that’s it. Our IRA will be not be touched, but our portfolio will be drained.

I know that still puts us way above most of the people in the world and a considerable group of people even in the U.S.

But up until last month I thought our financial situation was one thing and I found out its vastly different.

We may even lose our house/have to sell it.

I thought my life was secure, financially. I thought my home was secure. I thought having enough to pay our bills was secure. I thought we were free from having to live check to check/struggle to make ends meet.

And it turns out, now, we aren’t.

And it’s just got me all kinds of messed up. I grew up like that, even poorer, and it just messed with me. I promised myself I would never live like that/raise a child in that situation…and here we are doing it.

Add to the anger, over the past seven years I’ve questioned whether we should buy this house, when we were house shopping. I wanted a smaller condo/town home, but that didn’t happen. I wanted to go back to work, that didn’t happen because I believed Art when he said we were "fine."

Now, in Art’s defense, he WASN’T lying or trying to manipulate and trick me. He truly thought we were better off than we were and that our portfolio was in good shape. This was not deliberate.

But I still feel anger towards him. And there’s not much I can do with that anger. What’s the point of being mad? It’s not going to change anything.

So that rage and anger just swirls around inside me, mixing with the rage and anger and sadness about losing the baby.

It’s not just being broke, I can handle being broke. It’s thinking we were more than doing just ok and we are way worse. It’s standing at the edge of my whole life: home, children, trust in Art, financial future crumbling away, being yanked away.

And as if that’s not enough, as I wrote about before, my brother is a mess. He’s in and out of lucidness. Some days he’s his normal self and others he can’t even tell you his name. He’s got some major physical issues from the surgeries as well. And he still needs heart surgery to prevent another clot.

My mom is in total denial (as she was with his drug use) and insists "he’s fine." My parents are making no plans to have him evaluated. Or looking into assisted living facilities. They can’t continue to support him forever. They want to sell their house and move to a 55+ community, but they can’t with him and he can’t live alone at this point.

So, it’s this big, gorilla in the room at family gatherings. Especially if he’s non-lucid. I point it out and try to get a discussion going of what to do for him/his future and my mom lobbies back with "he’s fine" and changes the subject. And we all just go on as if this is perfectly normal to have a 39 year old man with some kind of brain injury from surgical anesthesia holding up your life.

I’ts. Too. Much.

 I’ve been living with mild depression since my 20’s, officially diagnosed and everything. I take an anti-depressant (hence the title, already medicated) and I’ve had ZERO issues with the depression. Aside from swallowing a pill every morning, you’d never know.

So, I can’t take any more medication, besides, this depression seems more situational then brain based so medication wouldn’t help anyway.

But, I’m literally, on the verge of tears the entire day. The. Entire. Day.

I feel like I just need a good sob fest, but, ha ha, as a mom when do I have enough alone time to actually do that!?

I’ve not felt this bad emotionally since my early 20’s which is what led me to seek treatment in the first place.

I am NOT suicidal and I am NOT self harming.

But I am so down I physically have a hard time smiling or finding joy in anything.

Parenting my amazing kid has become a Herculean task. I don’t let her see my bad mood. I’m happy for her.

I’m so unmotivated.