twenty on the twentieth.

when i turned seven, my uncle told me that i should be having the best birthday of my life because i was turning seven on the seventh and now that i really think about it, it really was a magnificent birthday and considering everything about my adolecense it was probably the best.

i was having a discussion earlier with someone i don’t really like, have little respect for but still try to remain civil to because of our connection to someone who was the greatest friend i’d probably ever have in all my years on earth. at my weakest moments when i was younger, as most twelve year old tournmented girls, or so i thought, i’d find anything sharp and just dig scars into my arms, legs to erase whatever problems i was having. i thought “by twenty, things will be different.” the more years that passed, the more difficult i became, but not just to my friends or family, i would do things to hurt myself, stupid things that don’t need to be talked about right now. i can only look back and regret or forget. i think about jalky and how he only wanted to stop his pain. i don’t care if it’s selfish but i just wanted him around longer, for a couple of days or a month, or hell a birthday. maybe so i could have found a reason to tell him how spectacular he was to me, and how i loved him so dearly. but i will not have had that chance because things rarely go as you expect them to or want them to and i know if i had more time i’d have just wanted longer. i keep thinking about how maybe right now we might be getting ready to go out to a show to celebrate or i’d be baking him a cake or something silly like that. i miss the feeling of a best friend, having someone to tell anything to because i could have nothing to talk about and still spend all night on the phone with him.

christopher if you were around i would look you in the eye and kiss you on the cheek and pat you on the head and tell you that i loved the way you pronounced your name or i loved the way you always had your head down because you were nervous around me or i loved that i skipped school and walked around brooklyn and sat on brownstones with you. today would have been your twentieth birthday, christopher joseph seidel and i hope you are living it up every way possible, hookers, booze, floundering around money but most importantly smiling, always smiling.