What Now?

So, looks like I’m going to graduate just fine. I still haven’t received my grade in my Economics class but I’d have to fail it to not graduate and I had a B+ going into the final, so that should be fine. And, yeah, shut up, I know you all said I would graduate easily, but I swear to you that there was a serious possibility of me not for a while and I actually had to work at it a bit to assure that I did graduate. I admit, it was a bit humbling for me, I did “study” in undergrad, but I could pretty much make a B without trying. This is the first time I ever had to work for anything scholastically. Not that I was really a dedicated student who stayed up all night studying either, or, er, I did, but mostly between chatting with people online, so I’m not sure that counts.

When thinking short term I’m pretty relieved to be done with classes, but it’s also somewhat depressing that my college career is officially over now and I didn’t really live much of the exciting “college life” that I at least envision other people living. Kyle mocks me because he says that I’ve lived in the two women capitals of Georgia and haven’t found anyone but online girls – he’s got a point. I don’t know, people keep telling me I’ll make friends at work, but they’re all going to be different people in different stages of their lives. I’m not going to be exclusively surrounded by intelligent people who are my age anymore. I don’t know, I don’t think I’m expressing myself very clearly, but basically I have this feeling that college was a really big missed opportunity for me.

I have this fear that as I continue to get older all of my current friends, online and offline, are going to continue marrying and getting into more serious relationships and advancing into another stage of their lives and I’m just going to be left alone. And I keep reading about more and more friends from high school who are getting married, which, understand, I am not jealous of that, I think they’re mostly being fucking stupid, but it just reinforces my fear. Which, yes, I realize there’s the possibility that I could still get married, but it doesn’t look particularly likely at the moment, even assuming I want to. And why would I? Most people are too fickle to trust to keep their plans for a Friday night and I’m supposed to believe that someone can really make a lifetime commitment to me? People grow and change and get bored with one another, I wouldn’t want someone to make a commitment to be with me forever, because people don’t feel the same way about each other forever. I’m not saying that people can’t stay together forever, but why make the commitment? Mostly we just make liars out of ourselves or trap ourselves. I’m not getting married unless I’m actually certain I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, exclusively. It’d be unfair otherwise.

Not sure how this entry turned into a marriage rant, but there you have it.

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