More on Sex

So, I got a few notes on how my last entry on wanting to lose my virginity was a bit cynical, but, really I think they’re missing the point. Firstly, if I was that cynical, I wouldn’t have been waiting this long to have sex anyway. Not that there’s girls knocking on my door begging for it exactly, but I have had opportunities where I could have “done it” and I chose not to (I’ve literally turned it down before even. Yes, I don’t know what sort of guy I am either).

Secondly, though I did say it was a “childish ideal” I don’t really mean that waiting for someone that you have a bond with to “give” your virginity to can’t be a rewarding experience. I’m sure it can be. I most definitely think it would be or, again, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered waiting around this long – I don’t really have any moral objections to having sex. However, I meant it was childish in that I am getting a bit old to be holding on to it. I’m, literally, the only virgin my age that I know. And, while it’s not quite to the point where it’s becoming laughable, given that I don’t have a girlfriend or prospects or even girls I don’t think are complete twats in my day-to-day life, I’m not sure that it’s particularly healthy that I keep that ideal anymore or else I’m going to end up the 40-year-old virgin. Basically, I’m not saying that it’s not a special experience for some people, but rather, the opportunity for me to have that special experience has probably passed me by.

The truth is, I’m really a romantic more than I ever want to admit when it comes to, well, most everything. But especially sex. A lot of things about how sex is treated by most people bother me. It’s just so . . . objectifying. “I got a piece.” I absolutely can’t carry on conversations about how a person is hot and say “Oh, I’d totally do her” blah, blah. My mind doesn’t work that way. I’ve never wanted to have sex with a supermodel. I don’t think people grasp how much they end up demeaning themselves when they have those mindsets. I hate treating people as objects, and I don’t much like being treated as one myself. Yeah, I know, good thing I’m not female!

Anyway, I was telling Kyle about the entries (he doesn’t really read this stuff that much – can’t blame him) and my thoughts about joining him in the world of the sexually active and he advised me “Just remember, no means no, yes means yes, and incoherent mumbling means yes.”

Ah, the mindsets of boys . . .

starlit smiles

haha, i found you on random. so true…the mindset of boys. but lately, i’ve found that girls have that mindset too. i used to just say “guys suck” for not treating girls with respect, but now i’ve found that a lot of girls are the same way, sadly. so now, “girls suck” too. p.s. just wanted you to know that it’s refreshing to see a guy, especially a 21 year old guy (if your age on here is correct) that has these kinds of beliefs (like being so objectifying…you worded it better than me). anyway, just wanted to say that’s cool. and i respect you for that. ~Kristy

Miss Britt

Haha, yes, Kyle has great advice…

it is nice to know that there are guys out there that actually believe sex should be done with love and not just to brag.

P.S. You’re a hypocrite.

ryn: haha, yeah i know exactly what you mean. and i don’t know if you read my latest entry or not (goes along rather nicely with what you’re saying) but it’s just ridiculous that sex has become something that doesn’t mean anything. it’s like people don’t have standards anymore. i guess it’s important though to keep reminding ourselves that there are people out there who still think like we do, even if they are few and far between.

michael.

I agree you with about general male attitudes after having sex; but I don’t think inventing idealised girls in your head and waiting for someone to fit that is any less demeaning and objectifying to women. Not saying that’s what you’re doing, exactly, but it’s the flip side of the same misogynistic coin. And — I have seriously never understood how people can rate sex as more important thanrelationships. You’d date someone before you’d sleep with them? Isn’t that essentially saying you have lower standards for relationships than for sex? I’ve slept with a lot of people, but I wouldn’t just go out with anyone. Sex is a mutually fun thing to do, relationships are people. And people mean more. To me. This is of course coming from a kid who lost his virginity to someone he’s STILL in bloody love with. But hey, I didn’t wait!

ps. Kyle’s line is funny. My standard for consent is “enthusiastic participation” or “won’t let you leave the floor”. eh, the grey area mine fields of girls who don’t MIND having sex with you are best fucking avoided! I refuse to sleep with anyone who needs persuading into it.

trekker02

November 13, 2006

Speaking as a man who lost his virginity at the age of 22, I definitely understand where you’re coming from. The problem that happened for me was that I had put ~such~ an emphasis on sex being something special and pure that, when I eventually chose to give it, it became such an issue that I broke down when my ex cheated on me. It’s not cynical to want to “get it out of the way,” because in someways that means you’re recognizing that sex doesn’t define anything in the relationship. It can complicate things due to its level of intimacy, and keeping it on a romantic level is probably for the best, but looking at it as a statement of eternal emotion is dangerous at best. I think you’re on the right track, sir. Bona Fortuna. 🙂

mairead

It’s really just not worth this much attention. Don’t listen to us and do it? You’ll see. Just saying.

That’s 8 AM talking. I’ve read the rest of the entry now and delete note is misbehaving so I will elaborate: I don’t think anyone would think less of you for giving up the ideal. But I just wanted to be clear that you don’t think less of yourself for doing so. Got it? <3

Nick

ryn, well I’d like to think I can just act as a pleasant halfway point between you being zero and michael approaching infinity. I see you dropped your period, nice work. One more thing to add on the whole sex issue. I think this is a decision you should pre-make here and now somewhat, but I think you only really give it some thought when you’re in a relationship where it’s close to

happening. With what you say, it doesn’t seem like you’re a one-night-stand/fuck-on-the-first-date kinda guy anyway, so I doubt time for pondering will be a problem. It’s an easier decision to make when you’ve got a situation to make it for. Also, since you seem to be around a lot and full of ideas, why don’t you pick the subject of my next entry? It’d be a great honor for me.

Oh yeah… being good at scaring people is like being good at getting girls off; I give very valid reasons.

Wow you sound like a real gentleman. It’s nice to know that not every guy is thinking “Man I want to bang her” Haha. You know you’re really not that old. 21 is nothing. I think you should wait. But that’s just me. You do what you want and make sure it’s good if you do decide to do it. : P

skyflyer

thanks to your note, i’m reading this entry because of michael’s survey as you predicted, but not mocking you for not having sex. not getting on your case for not wanting to be ‘the virgin’ though, either. in response to the only note i read on the last entry: if your future significant other is turned off by you not wanting to be a virgin, they’re ridiculous.

Yesterdays_Girl

November 14, 2006

Meh..you’re still being cynical. 🙂

i stand by my previous note. 🙂